I am also on moderation so not sure if this will show up for a while. But I feel pretty much the same as you right now.
I find that myself and W can get on very well, to the point of everything feeling normal again. But when this happens W talks constantly about our S and points out things that we need to deal / think about. When I distance myself, she then texts me, does not mention D or S, and seems to be less happy.
So its a strange place to be. Of course my natural response it to talk about things other than R, laugh, & interact because then things are more like how they used to be before our M started going downhill - which feels great! However ,if it pushes W away then its basically a false sense of security.
So like you, it feels like going against everything that feels right is actually making thing worse - but as I understand this is the idea of DB / DR. However, I have read also that every situation needs a different approach - and yours sounds like it may need to be tweaked a little - so would be interested to know others view on that.
Perhaps for you its a case of detaching, but making sure you are there ready for W when she needs emotional support. So essentially you are showing that you are not needy and desperate, but strong enough to look after yourself and W when she needs you?
Sorry, I know what I have said will not help you, and I am in no position to be giving advice right now. Certainly do not wish to hijack your thread, but want to let you know that you are not the only one confused at this point.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
