Thanks luke! You recommended that book to me before, i ordered it but it never arrived i will try to snag another copy via amazon ( used ebay before.)
Is there any other books you know of that you like?
So far i got Depression Fallout, how to survive when they are depressed. DB of course and DR which i just got last week. Parents gave me some christain marriage books but the problem is my husband is not of the same religion and dislikes mine.
sumi ma sen - the title was wrong - cognitive behavioral therapy for dummies is the one I meant, and it is available on Kindle, so you can hopefully have it soon. It is primarily for him, but you reading it may help also.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"Hello Mr. Bond. I am not sure if you read my previous posts"
Yes I did.
"but H was NOT depressed when we got married or when we met, this is all relatively new."
I got that. I was referring to now.
"I did make vows to him but right now he doesnt want me to keep them,"
He said that BEFORE you said he stopped his meds and started getting better. YOU were the one who wrote that he was getting better.
"he wants me to jump ship so he doesnt have to feel guilty."
Mindreading on your part. You really don't know why he is doing what he's doing. And you don't need to throw in the stuff about him being Japanese. All WASs do that. And besides, he wasn't pushing for a D recently because you wrote "He hasnt talked about D for the past 2-3 months so Im not sure if he even wants it anymore or if he is just cake eating at this point."
"He doesnt want the meds because its taboo in japan to have a mental illness and he doesnt want anyone to know."
You are right to a certain degree. Regardless of why he didn't want to take the meds, YOU said that he got better after he got off them. What's wrong with that?
"The samurai attitude doesnt exist."
Yes it does. You don't understand the context which I meant. Samurai means the sense of entitlement that the men feel. The parents praise and in some cases spoil the sons.
"Most men in my husbands generation mooch of their parents until they are in their 40s because people are socially stunted here. I know that sounds harsh but its true."
That is not harsh, but it is incredibly insulting. You are comparing it to American standards. It is insulting to insinuate that the American standard is the baseline to which all other cultures should follow.
"The divorce rate here is higher than in the USA, porn is a major problem, no one is having children and domestic abuse is considered normal. Not to mention the hostess/ prostitution / escort industry/ child pornography is off the scale."
Yes but there are also many good cultural and social values of the country as well. Just like in the US. Just to clarify, are you Japanese or of another ethnicity?
"Have you lived here? I dont mean to sound indignant and i do appreciate your post."
Yes I have AND I have a personal background that allows me to understand how Japan and the Japanese are.
"Yes he did get better, oddly enough, not being on the meds"
Why is that so odd? He felt different on the meds and wanted off. So he feels better now. That should be taken as a positive and not a negative.
"but i wonder if thats really because he is "better" or if its because he is just running away and it makes him feel good to deny his condition."
More speculation on your part. Unless you are a physician AND him, you can't keep mindreading people like that. Your interpretation could be totally wrong.
"If i try to touch my husband in anyway he phsically swats my hand away, even if its just a pat on the shoulder, and tells me to get lost."
When was the last time he did that? Have you asked him why he talks to you that way?
"Im not sure what else i can do for him other than be here and listen to him."
What does he talk about?
"I still cook him meals, clean the house, pay my half the bills and maintain my own social life so he isnt smothered by me. The last time i tried to be coy with him, just touching his leg lightly, he had a pissed off annoyed look on his face. Obviously he didnt like it."
Did you ask him if he didn't like it? Just because he had a "look" doesn't tell the whole story. For example, my W would get a "look" sometimes when I would do something. I confronted her about it and she would tell me it was because she had her period or had a bad day at work and then would apologize.
"I think its not just depression, its almost a MLC for him."
Again you are speculating.
"Even though he is young, 30 is a bad age in japan especially if you dont have a career (he doesnt), there is alot of social stigmas here."
So is he unemployed now? What did he do before or has he never worked? If he was a baseline salaryman, then you know how competitive things are.
"I know he isnt proud of himself and he is dissapointed with many things in his life, some of which i am responsible for and i own up to that,"
Can you elaborate?
"but i am not his stepping stone, his maid, or his big mistake."
Yes and I know he has said some lousy things much like the other WASs on here. But with a little more clarity, we can see if we can stop those behaviors.
I can wait a few more months to see what happens but if nothing happens then i assume he is just enjoying the benefits of a roommate because he cant afford to live on his own.
I did read DB and DR and i go to therapy for myself once a month.
H cant have his cake and eat it too. I dont deserve, nor he, to be treated like an inconvenience. I try to think of things i did differently when we first met but that was back in america and it was a different situation. I had the support of friends and family, more social freedom, a great job with great people. but i gave it all up to be with my H, paid my own way to japan, paid for the wedding, paid for our apartment goods because H did not have a good job at the time. I feel like he has used me honestly and now he can throw me away because he never invested in us financially, he didnt even want to pay for the D even though he wanted it.
I dont feel like i am different, i still have the same hobbies, still like the same things. The only difference is that i grew up and got serious about making a living while H wants to work only part time and accept handouts from his parents. I know he doesnt like how independent i am because it makes him look bad and yet he cant find the motivation to work himself a bit harder or find a better job, should i then cut back on my job and activities to accommodate his insecurities? I have a feeling if i do that he will be angry that he has to support me.
Depression is a beast i am not qualified to handle, if that is truly what it is. I can give him some time and space if that is what he needs ( and that seems to be what he wants) but like i said, when is enough enough?
Again i dont want to sound angry or bitter, i just want to be realistic.
Wow this post ended up being way to long....m"
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I can wait a few more months to see what happens but if nothing happens then i assume he is just enjoying the benefits of a roommate because he cant afford to live on his own."
Never assume.
"I did read DB and DR and i go to therapy for myself once a month."
And what does your C say?
"I feel like he has used me honestly and now he can throw me away because he never invested in us financially, he didnt even want to pay for the D even though he wanted it."
These are your hurt feelings talking.
"I dont feel like i am different, i still have the same hobbies, still like the same things. The only difference is that i grew up and got serious about making a living while H wants to work only part time and accept handouts from his parents. I know he doesnt like how independent i am because it makes him look bad and yet he cant find the motivation to work himself a bit harder or find a better job, should i then cut back on my job and activities to accommodate his insecurities? I have a feeling if i do that he will be angry that he has to support me."
I have a feeling that you're misreading things. How much of these concerns about him have you talked to him about?
"Depression is a beast i am not qualified to handle, if that is truly what it is. I can give him some time and space if that is what he needs ( and that seems to be what he wants) but like i said, when is enough enough?"
Right now, you don't know so start with a clean slate to understanding.
"Again i dont want to sound angry or bitter, i just want to be realistic."
wakarimashita
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hello again mr. Bond and thanks for your in depth response. I want to go more in depth with what i wrote.
I have talked to my husband about his job issues and how i dont like his parents giving him money all the time (before his depression) but he kind of ignored my point of view and said " you shouldnt complain about something that is free." Is fine if its given as a gift for a birthday or holiday but i dont think its right for a 30 year old man to be accepting money from his parents especially if he is capable of getting in on his own. I have explained this to him. He said that he doesnt want to work a full time job and be like normal people. Well...one of us has to be a full timer or else the bills dont get paid. It me btw.
During the D bomb drop, H told me that i hurt his self esteem. He says i am too critical of him but did not elaborate on how. He said he doesnt like me talking to my friends or family about us, he doesnt like the way i do dishes, im grumpy, im selfish, he hates my religion. He says i called him a looser. Said that he never loved me and that i forced him into marriage. We dont have children thankfully.
I will say right here i NEVER called my H a looser. I have criticized his work ethics and called him lazy but never called him a looser.
He does not have a career, he works part time, i see him looking at job posting from time to time but he always has an excuse for why he cant apply.
Is also possible there was or is a OW, right now i dont think there is however the weeks prior to him dropping the D on me i complained to him about being overly friendly with a girlfriend of mine whom he had spent alone time with a few times. This friend however is not interested in him so if there was something it was one sided.
And now to switch this around to me: I know my faults and which of his complaints are true or made up. I am very commanding (i chalk that up to years in military and coming from a military family) and i am very black and white on most everything, I am not patient, i get angry easily, i get stressed easily. I dont take good care of my health ( i am by no means overweight but since coming to japan my health took a turn for the worst)
Things about me which are neither good nor bad: i like to go out one day every week for R and R, i like to spend money but if i have a goal i can save money real well too, once i focus on something its hard to break my focus and i will do it until its completed. I always need to set goals or have something achievable in my future to feel productive.
If i ask my husband to please critique me he says " i already told you what i dont like." And wont say more. I only know what he told me during the d bomb.
I once, many months ago, asked him to please write down a list of things he doesnt like about me and he said " no, im finished with you."
So should i keep doing 180s based on what he initially said he didnt like during his breakdown or do i try something new?
Im not going to touch him if he is giving me the wrong signals, that just doesnt seem right.
Btw therapist says not to trust anything he says while depressed and to give him 6 months before making any big decisions. It will be 6 months in june since his diagnosis. other than that, DB tells more than the C does.....thinking of discontinuing.
I am 29 years old, second generation. Mom grew up in the philippines but moved to America in her childhood because Grandpa was military in conjunction with the USA. My dad is American and they are still married (30 years!) We are Christian/catholic. I spent half my childhood in the Philippines. Husbands family has also been married same amount of years, same amount of children (4) H and I are eldest siblings in our families. However, H family is very wealthy and mine is blue collar. I have worked since the age of 16, paid for my own school and joined the USAF at 20. H attended college in the USA where we met, I was already in the AF at that time, he was just graduating college. We dated 1 Year in the USA, 2 years long distance (he went back to japan) and finally married in 2009.
i will try to snag another copy via amazon ( used ebay before.)