Hello From Tokyo! Husband has issues....

[MrBond]

"Hello Mr. Bond. I am not sure if you read my previous posts"

Yes I did.

"but H was NOT depressed when we got married or when we met, this is all relatively new."

I got that. I was referring to now.

"I did make vows to him but right now he doesnt want me to keep them,"

He said that BEFORE you said he stopped his meds and started getting better. YOU were the one who wrote that he was getting better.

"he wants me to jump ship so he doesnt have to feel guilty."

Mindreading on your part. You really don't know why he is doing what he's doing. And you don't need to throw in the stuff about him being Japanese. All WASs do that. And besides, he wasn't pushing for a D recently because you wrote "He hasnt talked about D for the past 2-3 months so Im not sure if he even wants it anymore or if he is just cake eating at this point."

"He doesnt want the meds because its taboo in japan to have a mental illness and he doesnt want anyone to know."

You are right to a certain degree. Regardless of why he didn't want to take the meds, YOU said that he got better after he got off them. What's wrong with that?

"The samurai attitude doesnt exist."

Yes it does. You don't understand the context which I meant. Samurai means the sense of entitlement that the men feel. The parents praise and in some cases spoil the sons.

"Most men in my husbands generation mooch of their parents until they are in their 40s because people are socially stunted here. I know that sounds harsh but its true."

That is not harsh, but it is incredibly insulting. You are comparing it to American standards. It is insulting to insinuate that the American standard is the baseline to which all other cultures should follow.

"The divorce rate here is higher than in the USA, porn is a major problem, no one is having children and domestic abuse is considered normal. Not to mention the hostess/ prostitution / escort industry/ child pornography is off the scale."

Yes but there are also many good cultural and social values of the country as well. Just like in the US. Just to clarify, are you Japanese or of another ethnicity?

"Have you lived here? I dont mean to sound indignant and i do appreciate your post."

Yes I have AND I have a personal background that allows me to understand how Japan and the Japanese are.

"Yes he did get better, oddly enough, not being on the meds"

Why is that so odd? He felt different on the meds and wanted off. So he feels better now. That should be taken as a positive and not a negative.

"but i wonder if thats really because he is "better" or if its because he is just running away and it makes him feel good to deny his condition."

More speculation on your part. Unless you are a physician AND him, you can't keep mindreading people like that. Your interpretation could be totally wrong.

"If i try to touch my husband in anyway he phsically swats my hand away, even if its just a pat on the shoulder, and tells me to get lost."

When was the last time he did that? Have you asked him why he talks to you that way?

"Im not sure what else i can do for him other than be here and listen to him."

What does he talk about?

"I still cook him meals, clean the house, pay my half the bills and maintain my own social life so he isnt smothered by me. The last time i tried to be coy with him, just touching his leg lightly, he had a pissed off annoyed look on his face. Obviously he didnt like it."

Did you ask him if he didn't like it? Just because he had a "look" doesn't tell the whole story. For example, my W would get a "look" sometimes when I would do something. I confronted her about it and she would tell me it was because she had her period or had a bad day at work and then would apologize.

"I think its not just depression, its almost a MLC for him."

Again you are speculating.

"Even though he is young, 30 is a bad age in japan especially if you dont have a career (he doesnt), there is alot of social stigmas here."

So is he unemployed now? What did he do before or has he never worked? If he was a baseline salaryman, then you know how competitive things are.

"I know he isnt proud of himself and he is dissapointed with many things in his life, some of which i am responsible for and i own up to that,"

Can you elaborate?

"but i am not his stepping stone, his maid, or his big mistake."

Yes and I know he has said some lousy things much like the other WASs on here. But with a little more clarity, we can see if we can stop those behaviors.

I can wait a few more months to see what happens but if nothing happens then i assume he is just enjoying the benefits of a roommate because he cant afford to live on his own.

I did read DB and DR and i go to therapy for myself once a month.

H cant have his cake and eat it too. I dont deserve, nor he, to be treated like an inconvenience. I try to think of things i did differently when we first met but that was back in america and it was a different situation. I had the support of friends and family, more social freedom, a great job with great people. but i gave it all up to be with my H, paid my own way to japan, paid for the wedding, paid for our apartment goods because H did not have a good job at the time. I feel like he has used me honestly and now he can throw me away because he never invested in us financially, he didnt even want to pay for the D even though he wanted it.

I dont feel like i am different, i still have the same hobbies, still like the same things. The only difference is that i grew up and got serious about making a living while H wants to work only part time and accept handouts from his parents. I know he doesnt like how independent i am because it makes him look bad and yet he cant find the motivation to work himself a bit harder or find a better job, should i then cut back on my job and activities to accommodate his insecurities? I have a feeling if i do that he will be angry that he has to support me.

Depression is a beast i am not qualified to handle, if that is truly what it is. I can give him some time and space if that is what he needs ( and that seems to be what he wants) but like i said, when is enough enough?

Again i dont want to sound angry or bitter, i just want to be realistic.

Wow this post ended up being way to long....m"