X demands full custody because I'm engaged, Part 2

[forward]

Sleeper, You have me thinking I need to update my custoday arrangement.

[forward]

With that said, why not try to get the sitch w/ex worked out before getting married?

[sleeper]

I dont know if anything can be "worked out". Something "clicked" a couple of weeks ago. I read up on narcissistic personality disorder.......bingo.

Out of the blue I got a little depressed thinking about my kids last night. I happened to drive by the park where I took my daughter to play during her first snow when she was a toddler. They have grown up in a broken family, exactly what I tried so hard to prevent.

[sleeper]

X spoke with me last week. After the wedding there will be a lawsuit. She is adamant our children will never live with fiance's children. She has been fishing for something she can use as a reason. She really doesn't have anything as she states concerns about fiance's kids behavior and their grades (not as good as her children's?)but that won't stop her from making trouble, taking me to court and dragging us through the process.

I believe she has been working on our kids too. After her failed attempt to have the kids live with her all the time last fall (right after engagement) she has had almost a year to sway them. They are no longer excited about the wedding as they were in the beginning. DD has "informed" me she will soon be old enough to decide for herself with whom she will live and DS now says he doesn't want to share a room with two other boys. Both have their own bedroom at X's house and she has been lavishing DD with shopping trips. I have also noticed OMH now attends every sporting event kids are involved in and X, including those X cannot attend and slipped up and referred to OMH as DD's "father" while speaking to me.

It is a very emotionally upsetting topic for me and has strained my relationship with fiance.

[figgeroni]

Sleeper...

I can certainly understand how the topic would be very upsetting.

Your daughter is correct in that she will be able to chose whom she would like to live with (and even at the age she is at, they will take her desires into consideration) This also means that she can chose differently later on. Working with teenagers everyday has given me the unique perspective into understanding that they change their minds every 5 mins. Instead of trying to win her over, provide consistency. It is the only thing you can do.

I would imagine your son would not want to go from having his own space to sharing a room. It would be difficult at best. Not every family blends as well as the Brady Bunch.

Is it fair? No...but it is the way life is.

Your ex has been with her new husband for 7 years (according to your tag line) That is an awfully long time for your children to become attached to him (as they should) and treat him as a father-type figure (as they would)

They were young when she left and if he was there the whole time, a bond would naturally (and thankfully) develop. I think it is great that he comes to their sporting events. He is a part of their lives.

Why would this be straining your relationship with your fiance?

[sleeper]

X's objections have been focused on fiance's children for some time. Fiancé becomes very upset (naturally) when X criticizes her children. Fiancé has raised her children alone, divorced when the youngest was an infant. One of her children has a physical birth defect and she is especially protective of him. As she says ,"I have always had to fight for _____ and protect him."

X's concerns are unfounded and IMHO internally fear driven by her own blended family experiences in her childhood. She didn't want me dating anyone with children (she didn't) and I believe would find fault with any prospective mate's children, IMHO. She insisted to meet with me after Sandyhook because she feared fiance's son would do the same as Adam Lanza.

My problem (and it's totally MY problem) is I can't help but feel I am unwillingly in a position of choosing fiancé or my kids. Sadly, blending our families seemed a breeze a year ago and the kids were excited. Now it's a non-starter. I blame X in large part for the change in our children. X responds the kids never wanted to blend with fiance's kids and they were pretending because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. (she is weaving quite an alternate reality in her head, anything to further her goal)

[oldtimer]

This is the problem: "X spoke with me last week. "

Where are your boundaries? Custody is a legal matter. Stop engaging with her on the topic.

Email or text pickup/drop off info, school info, health info.

All this other communication is unnecessary, unhealthy, and unproductive.

Fiance should be a bit torqued at your lack of boundaries!

[sleeper]

Last week she was a DS's. soccer practice and approached me. This mornig it began with a phone call from her (I'm naturally going to answer when she has our kids). This AM she told me the kids wanted to stay with her. I tills her it wasn't their decision to make, she brought up court, etc. I made the convo as brief as possible. Told her I will pick them up at the regular time. I have limited contact to text messaging at times. This drama seems to be cyclic. I shall do so now.

I went to a counselor yesterday. Have another appt in two weeks will probably take kids.

[kml]

Seems to me, you have as much right to be concerned about an unrelated adult male living in the house with your daughter at your Ex's house, as she has to be concerned about a teenage boy living in the house at YOUR house.

But she's obviously unstable and irrational - you probably have the best idea of how to handle her.

Sorry - exes su!ck

[sleeper]

I have bitten my tongue so often it avoids my teeth.