Hello Mr. Bond. I am not sure if you read my previous posts but H was NOT depressed when we got married or when we met, this is all relatively new. I did make vows to him but right now he doesnt want me to keep them, he wants me to jump ship so he doesnt have to feel guilty. He doesnt want the meds because its taboo in japan to have a mental illness and he doesnt want anyone to know. The samurai attitude doesnt exist. Most men in my husbands generation mooch of their parents until they are in their 40s because people are socially stunted here. I know that sounds harsh but its true. The divorce rate here is higher than in the USA, porn is a major problem, no one is having children and domestic abuse is considered normal. Not to mention the hostess/ prostitution / escort industry/ child pornography is off the scale.
Have you lived here? I dont mean to sound indignant and i do appreciate your post.
Yes he did get better, oddly enough, not being on the meds but i wonder if thats really because he is "better" or if its because he is just running away and it makes him feel good to deny his condition.
If i try to touch my husband in anyway he phsically swats my hand away, even if its just a pat on the shoulder, and tells me to get lost. Im not sure what else i can do for him other than be here and listen to him. I still cook him meals, clean the house, pay my half the bills and maintain my own social life so he isnt smothered by me. The last time i tried to be coy with him, just touching his leg lightly, he had a pissed off annoyed look on his face. Obviously he didnt like it.
I think its not just depression, its almost a MLC for him. Even though he is young, 30 is a bad age in japan especially if you dont have a career (he doesnt), there is alot of social stigmas here. I know he isnt proud of himself and he is dissapointed with many things in his life, some of which i am responsible for and i own up to that, but i am not his stepping stone, his maid, or his big mistake.
I can wait a few more months to see what happens but if nothing happens then i assume he is just enjoying the benefits of a roommate because he cant afford to live on his own.
I did read DB and DR and i go to therapy for myself once a month.
H cant have his cake and eat it too. I dont deserve, nor he, to be treated like an inconvenience. I try to think of things i did differently when we first met but that was back in america and it was a different situation. I had the support of friends and family, more social freedom, a great job with great people. but i gave it all up to be with my H, paid my own way to japan, paid for the wedding, paid for our apartment goods because H did not have a good job at the time. I feel like he has used me honestly and now he can throw me away because he never invested in us financially, he didnt even want to pay for the D even though he wanted it.
I dont feel like i am different, i still have the same hobbies, still like the same things. The only difference is that i grew up and got serious about making a living while H wants to work only part time and accept handouts from his parents. I know he doesnt like how independent i am because it makes him look bad and yet he cant find the motivation to work himself a bit harder or find a better job, should i then cut back on my job and activities to accommodate his insecurities? I have a feeling if i do that he will be angry that he has to support me.
Depression is a beast i am not qualified to handle, if that is truly what it is. I can give him some time and space if that is what he needs ( and that seems to be what he wants) but like i said, when is enough enough?
Again i dont want to sound angry or bitter, i just want to be realistic.
