What is there to handle? Enjoy your car, let her feel about it how she wants. Assuming you can afford it, and you want to use it, it makes sense for you to have it, and apparently it's there if she wants to use it too but she says she doesn't.
Don't expect her to act happy about it. Based on what she said, you can be pretty sure she'll act like she does NOT like it. You didn't buy it for her, you bought it to do things you want to do.
I think though that buying a car that you wanted and she didn't is going to weaken your argument against spending money on home repairs that she wants and you don't.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The car is for work (I develop car electronics) and paid specially as such, and so does not impact the home repair issue.
Yes, I think she will use it sometimes too - I just don't want it to have more of a negative impact, if it does, than necessary.
Perhaps the car can be a tool to adventure - no longer the boring guy at home - hope I can interest others in going for a hike, as I don't want to appear the unsociable loner going for walks -
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You are trying to dictate her feelings. It hasn't worked before, and it's not going to now.
It will have the impact on her that it does, no more no less, if you remain detached (ie you have a positive mental attitude regardless of her behavior) and confident in your decision. You have made a good case here for your decision, don't second guess it.
Pia Mellody's CD set on boundaries describes an invisible bubble around you that's your emotional boundary. What W says comes out in a blue box that floats over to you and bumps into your bubble. There, you take it out of the box and decide is it true or is it false, or is it partially true? Let the true part in and listen to it. Let the rest bounce off and land on the floor. Feel your feelings about the true part only. Recognize that the poison she may coat her words in are HER emotion because she's hurting or has emotional scars, but it is not YOURS to accept.
How that applies here? Suppose the car arrives and you say pleasantly, hey, W, wanna take it out for [dinner, hike, shopping trip]? She says something rude: "no, I'm not setting foot in your stinky stupid car, not ever not no-how, I told you not to get it." It floats up to you. Is any of it true? Um yes. She did tell you not to get it. Let that in and see how you feel about it. You could respond moderately. "Yes, I understand. You did tell me that. I guess you probably didn't like that I overruled you, but this is something I'm going to really enjoy. You'll still be welcome to use it if you change your mind. Anyway, [change subject...]" anything else true? Is it stinky or stupid? not true, let it float away without any kind of a response at all, without even feeling HURT by it! Do you feel hurt by leaves falling from the trees? Let little daggers from her be as irrelevant to you once you've determined they should be. How about "I'm never setting foot in it"? Well, the future's unwritten, so that may be true or not, but the partial truth is that she's not getting in it today just to prove her point. Does that require a response? Maybe the truth of it for you is that you do feel a little hurt that this car isn't immediately a peace offering between you, but it's not, and you shouldn't have expected it to be. Let that idea go. The car itself is not a peace offering....however, the Luke who buys and enjoys a car after deciding his wife's objections aren't relevant is a STRONGER Luke with a mind of his own, and that's a good Luke to be. Whether or not it ever gets across to W and begins to change her heart.
Yes, the car can be a tool to adventure, yay! Plan your first trip now! What's the coolest nearby place to hike - is there a waterfall or a good view? Pick a date, set the time, invite S and D. Then, invite one other person without guessing that they'll say no. Invite the dance teacher, or one of the guys you were going to hear music with (is that right? I might be mixing you up with someone else). Invite a second and a third. Doesn't matter if every one of them turns out busy, you just go ahead with your plan and you weren't an unsociable loner you were an EVENT PLANNER and you keep doing it. If you do it once a month people will start to be able to predict and plan around it so they can attend. Invite as many people as fit in your car. And then if there's space invite W. She'll say no, but that's ok, the daytrip is for you and your buddies. You get points just for having something interesting to do and inviting her, with no sense of urgency about her decision one way or another.
If the same people keep telling you no on the hikes cast the net a little wider and invite someone else, or look for a hiking club if there's a university near you. Is there anything like meetup.com in Sweden? Do people put up notes in coffee houses and grocery stores to sell stuff or find roommates? You could post a note to find someone who likes to hike and might like an occasional hiking buddy. Oh, any outdoor equipment store would probably know how to connect you with some fellow enthusiasts.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
thanks for your long post. That is a good point about being confident in my decision, while still listening to her, and thereby stronger, and so potentially more attractive in the long run. Also, it would be sad and crazy to not enjoy the car now, so I should stick to my act.
Thanks also for the adventure ideas. It will be a good way to work on friendship for me, and to be an organizer in wife's eyes. Cunningham says this is a good leadership quality that women like, so there are only positive features to doing so. Heck, I could even propose an Easter hike this Sunday - a celebration of sorts.
Journal: briefly touched W twice yesterday, fingertips only. Read a good deal of 5 LL. Had fun watching S trying to do women's 6 weeks to a six pack abs program - good family time.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Just found, hidden under my backpack, a book called "Hidden LA". Not sure who it is from - will ask son. If from W, how to react? Cannot imagine it is from D. Odd that it just appeared, unwrapped, like that.
D sad or disappointed seeming this morning. Not sure how to take it. One of my EE goals is to learn how to become closer to the kids (and people in general).
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
And now I find, on the breakfast table, in plain sight, a list of job suggestions for S and myself. Mine include calling the realtor (b---dy h--l, she is really pushing this, at least finding out whether doing the facade is important to be able to sell the house), and this "could a compromise in time be 10 days travel - I'm nervous about the tickets disappearing (10 total)"
D said she wants to see national parks and go to LA with me just a few days ago. This way we would see only some. No wonder D was upset this morning.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
So the facade thing relates like this to my sitch:
If we both own house, we can each get a significant tax credit for renovation, each year. The facade renovators have said they can do the job over two years, thus giving us each 2 years of tax credit, and cutting 1/3 of the total cost.
If we do 1/2 this year, then my W needs to stay an owner of the house, possibly something good.
If we do nothing, then we may have trouble - thinks W - being able to sell the house (low curb appeal, but the inside is nice). That is what I am asking the realtor - do we need to do facade?
If W moves out but stays part owner, then I could take a cheap home equity loan for at least part of her payout. I could maybe cash out retirement money for other part.
A middle way seems to be the 1/2 renovation this year, half next, with W getting only partial payout this year, me staying for at least a year more in the house, and maybe having a chance to fix things. She retains partial ownership and so connection to the place and so me?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Oh, so I hate to have to bargain with W about the possible renovation, payout and moving out. It gets so concrete, the whole, painful thing. And the renovation seems a step on the way, making it real.
I suppose the realtor's input is important -
What if she says no, she wants the whole payout? I'd have to liquidate all my retirement savings.
I wish W hadn't put the job suggestions list out in plain view, for my D to see and get upset about. I just called her to ask when she finishes school and whether she and I could travel before the others to the States and so have more time together, but no, she wants to limit herself to W's 10 days.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
On the other hand, she has a valid point that if the house must be renovated in order to be sellable, then we should do so, though not necessarily now.
Also, taking the glass is half full philosophy, her willing to compromise on a 10 day trip, and traveling together, is maybe not bad? That is, a real dialogue is happening?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"Journal: briefly touched W twice yesterday, fingertips only."
What did you do and how did she react?
In terms of the home issue, it doesn't matter the specifics. What do you want to do? Sell it or not? Forget about what's practical for now. What do YOU want?
BTW, when you journal, be sure to also include what your W's reactions are to them. What other interactions have you had with her?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
