Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

Thank you KD -
In the first instance, H was trying to explain something to me, which I still didn't understand, and when he asked me if that made sense, I said, "I guess." He said with that kind of response it was no wonder that he never wanted to talk to me, and then that devolved into derogatory remarks like I don't know how to get along with people, I'm not capable of understanding why "I guess" isn't an appropriate response.

Second instance, H had made coffee and bacon and said to me, "Do you want some reheated waffles or something?" It sounded kind of unappetizing... then I started asking what everyone else was having, he said everyone else already ate. He felt I wasn't being appreciative of the bacon and coffee, but in my own defense, I had been away from the kitchen the entire time so never saw any of that. I'm sure if I had gone into the kitchen the first thing I would have said was, "Thanks for doing that", but I didn't even get a chance to say that before he lit into me for not saying it. Anyway, H didn't like the fact that he was offering to do something nice and I was just ignoring that. He didn't actually say any of this to me, what he said was "you are the whole problem" and "I'm not going to be around much longer."

This is frustrating for me. In neither case did I intend to offend, but inevitably, I end up saying or doing the wrong thing and H goes nuts. These are the times I'm glad we have a good MC who can hopefully help us navigate through. He reminds me of an alcoholic who goes off at the drop of a hat... no matter what the other person is doing he finds a reason to go ballistic. I don't know what to do to prevent it.

KD, you are right - what I am doing isn't really working or helping the situation. I do react when I feel blamed or judged, you are exactly right about that. Someone told me once that H likes to pick fights, and I agree with that. He knows that if he goes down the road of "you're the problem", "you'll never change" blah blah, that I will react and he can get the upper hand. So I think you hit the nail on the head. Maybe me reacting differently is the key.

Also, I fully admit that it's very hard, practically impossible, for me to "hear" what he is saying during all of these instances. The reason I can't hear him is that I feel blamed and judged. When our MC points out the exact same thing that H is trying to say, I can respond to it sanely because I don't feel put on the defensive, but something about H makes me get my claws out. The two of us agreed yesterday that I would try to do better at accepting the feedback and he would try to deliver it better, but that went right out the window today. I'm waiting for him to be the big man here and take the lead but he never does. Or rarely does.

So I guess I have to get my zen on a little more and just get better at deflecting instead of absorbing. I have never been very good at that, which is ironic because everyone thinks I'm such a bulldog.