Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

AJ that was a great Robin Williams bit! It fits so perfectly. Annoyingly true.

H has spent more time here this week than he has ever since S. Two nights with the boys. One I went out and the other I spent time with S2 so he could play with the older ones. He was here here for several hours on sat while I had lunch with friends, took care of work issues, and ran errands. Then he came over again today to shower, laundry, and watch a movie. I snuggled into him during the movie, which I don't know if I regret or not. A bit of both.

He is talking to me a lot. Texting me a lot. He is overly concerned about me and showing more concern for the boys. Telling me directly and sending me songs saying that he will be here for me for whatever i need. He calls me up to tell me about his night. He'll text me after midnight to see if I'm awake and then calls me. Maybe I was just happy in this 5 day period he hadn't gone to see one of his twinkle twats. So of course that's where he goes tonight. But this is new. He is there, and texting me.

It's not getting any easier. It's just getting harder. And I cried tonight for the first time in awhile.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Raine!

It IS so confusing when the your spouse is giving you mixed signals. I SO understand that.

How are you feeling physically? How many weeks away are you?
Did you stop working yet?

I like that you snuggled with him. He knows you are there emotionally for him. It may not change his feeling about his confusion, but it helps him to know you are there. I know it's harder for you, but that's our separate journey.

We will never understand fully their pain and they will never fully know ours.

Hugs to you today,
baby and all,
rH

[Raine]

Thanks rH! I feel better about that now. I still feel so torn by being there for him and not pursuing him, like nothing I do is right. Baby will be here in the new few weeks, give or take I'm feeling pretty good, considering. I'll keep working up until he is here.

T^2 posted some interesting things about OP in his thread that made me think about some things with my H and what he is doing. It's been puzzling to me about the multiple OP, where it does not appear he is making any kind of bonding relationship. It is very surface level, superficial, which goes against what I've read on MLC and looking for the emotional connection, the full relationship. It is just very physical. Any emotional connection is at a teenage level and extremely creepy.

I have learned through great insights here that the path of MLC is not consistent from one to the next, especially the further into it goes. It seems like they all follow the same pattern in the beginning and then start to make their own road. Although it's interesting to still see timelines, like the time it took to go from me being this horrible person to him realizing I'm pretty great and this has nothing to do with me.

H does not talk to anyone about me, our relationship, or what is going on with him. The only person he is even slightly opening up to is me, which makes me feel like the only one he has any emotional bonding to is me, and even then it's at a very low level. Interesting enough he told me recently that he will never talk to me about his past, what happened to him before me, or what has been going on the last few months, which is a 180 from previous conversations, where he said he would need to tell me things at some point. Now he feels that it's not fair for him to hurt me like that, just to ease his conscience. I told him, what if I already knew, would it make any difference? And he got so upset he thought he was going to throw up.

This is the first time he has hinted at an event in his past. I am assuming now there is much more than just emotional neglect, and a depressive father and mother during childhood. There had to be some kind of traumatic event that stunted him.

He says that he forgets I don't like him. That I don't want to do things with him. The he doesn't have the same abilities anymore to charm me or annoy me. But he likes those moments when we both forget about all that and just make each other laugh, because then he knows we'll both be fine with how this has ended up.

[Takevowsserious]

Hey, how are you doing mamma? The big day is almost here! Thinking of you

[reachingHigher]

I was thinkin' about you today, too, girl!
How are things?

[Raine]

Hey friends! I'm still hanging in there. If feel like I have a million things to get ready before my world turns upside down next week. That should be quite the adventure. I'm not making many plans, just going with the flow.

I think H got a little frightened by how much he was sticking his head out of the tunnel. He loves having me to talk to. I know he feels comfortable with me. He likes the back and forth. On FB that has to be driving all the OW batty. I don't know how they can't question it or what the heck he has told them. People think it is so strange that we seem like best friends. He has told me that people have said it's so weird we have the relationship we do, but we are separated. I feel his thoughts are that he can never be with me again because he has messed up so much or perhaps that he can still have this relationship and everything else too, and get divorced, but that i i will find someone else and be super happy. Such a surface level approach to problem solving, as if you can swap and replace people, marriage, and feelings with just a snap. More self loathing, selfish, out of control crap. It's so annoying that he can't just take responsibility for himself.

I think there is trouble in paradise. He cut OW4 out for several days without hardly a reason why. Basically a "f-off." Then contacted her again and apologized, and hooked up with her. Almost like he was trying to end things but hormones got in the way. Few days after that he he went to see OW1 late at night, but didn't stay long at all. Maybe she is done with him now too. He seems really irritated the last few times I've seen him. I've backed way off. I'm sure next week is completely freaking him out.

So anyway, just seems like sitch life is repeating. One step out of the tunnel followed by five belly crawls back in. And my daily thoughts always include filing for D. Maybe it just seems like an easier route right now, and I just feel so exhausted and broken down by this whole thing. Maybe I'll feel differently once I'm not so tired and sore from pregnancy too. I'm burned out.

[Raine]

He took ow4 out to dinner for her birthday. I really want to text him right now. I feel so done. The text is there and I don't know why I'm not hitting send.

[Takevowsserious]

Because you know there is a bigger picture.

Because you know that feeling done doesn't mean your done.

Because you know she's not worth it. And quite honestly, he's not either right now.

Because you know he's only out to dinner to make him feel good about himself, make him escape from the self- loathing and hatred. It's not about her at all.

Take care of yourself Raine, and get some much needed rest tonight. Thinking of you

[job]

I agree w/TV...there is a bigger picture and you are not done by any means.

Raine, keep the focus on you and your children, but most importantly, on the new little one that is about to come into this world. Are you all set up for the new arrival? Are you packed and have everything ready to to go the hospital?

Take this weekend to finish up whatever you need to do to get ready and once you are finished, prop your feet up and rest. Allow God to work on your h for now. You have far more important things to focus on these days.

Take care of yourself.

[reachingHigher]

Raine, tvs & snodderly said it better than I ever could.

I think your H is freaking out right now b/c of the intensity of the sitch. He is being squeezed by these internal pressures of MLC but is responsible enough and attached enough to you to not fully walk away.

I really believe there is a lot of hope in your sitch, but you hafta be so incredibly strong right now, I worry about you.

Do take care of yourself. You've been through births before with the other boys so at least that part isn't new. You can't depend on your H right now emotionally. But who knows how a new little baby might touch his heart.

And I agree with tvs. None of these OW can hold a candle to you. They're just little tiny crutches for H to deal with his pain. Deep inside, he knows you are the prize. Capable, strong, sensitive, wonderful mom, fun, lovely, and much more! You are just way too much woman for him to handle right now in his little boy state.

Hugs,
Baby and all,
rH