Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

Thank you AJ. I needed this. I am feeling the anger leaving, but all is left is sadness. I prayed very hard this morning. I want my H back so much, my heart hurts.

I went to my sons soccer game and he and I did not even acknowledge each other. Such a stab to my heart. The last time we are that event, we were happy, and together, though on shaky ground. But we were talking. I am not sure avoidance of each other will get us through, rather it seems it is tearing us apart. And yes, I know we are already apart. I hope so much we can give our relationship another try. Most couples always seem to give it a go once, and it bothers me that he is so closed to trying one more time. I don't understand this, and know I never will.

I feel like I am back at day one with my hurt. Detachment is going good as I am not concerned with what he is doing, but I love him and want him back in my life. I miss him so much.

Listen to me ramble. You all probably think I am crazy. I can one person feel love, anger, hurt all at the same time. Maybe I love him more than he loves me. Maybe he never loved me. I just want my husband back, and am willing to do everything I can at all cost.

But when you grow further apart, I guess there is nothing that can be done....


Sorry to ramble, I am an emotional mess today, crying, spewing, hating, loving, everything. I just wish we could have another try.

[AJM]

I don't see that as rambling so much as I see the expression of pain and hurt. Can you imagine if you didn't hurt? I think that would be worse, to be honest. You'll see what I mean at a later time, I think.

I am feeling the anger leaving, but all is left is sadness. I prayed very hard this morning. I want my H back so much, my heart hurts.

That's Ok, BRNR. Anger and sadness are part of it. Feel the emotions. Seriously, feel them and work through them. It's part of grieving. I would seriously wonder about you if you did NOT feel like this. It's not pleasant, but it is needed.

I, and everyone on this board knows how you feel. Or they will if they are lucky. We also know you will do everything you can and cost is not an issue. However, I challenge you to figure out what YOU can do. And also what YOU cannot do.

Keep in mind that growing further apart is not the issue. You both have to go through that at this point. That's not the end of the relationship. Apathy is. It doesn't make it more difficult either. It's already difficult and can't get any more difficult or complicated. He needs his room to grow. What happens later will happen and worrying about it won't change that.

I'm guessing it feels that if you don't take action he will drift away, right? That it's up to you to make things "work". But I'll tell you nothing is further from the truth. You can only own what's yours. I encourage you to do that. You can only "do" what YOU can do. Nothing more than that. Let the rest of that burden rest where it belongs - with H. In the meantime, be patient, be kind, be compassionate, and be still. You can't say or do anything that is going to cause him to "wake up" even if you feel like you can. You need to just be YOU, and you need to heal. And the only way to heal is go through it all.

Be at peace that things are working. Be confident in yourself and your worth. You are worthy! No matter what anyone else says, including your H. What he says now and what he'll say later are not the same things. Believe me. The story is far from over, my dear.

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Thanks everyone for letting me vent. AJ it was an expression of my feelings...I have no one to really express them to without being judged.

I feel a lot better today. For once, I think I see clearly that H is going through something and there is nothing I can do to help him through it. I truly wish there was and I hope he becomes a better man for it on the other side.

Yesterday despite of having no plans, I had a busy day. I talked to my brother for quite a few hours and he was able to help me gain clarity on my situation with H by sharing his own experience with his past relationships. This was much needed, and I felt that under the devasting circumstances I feel me losing h is, this sitch has brought my brother and I closer. My brother even proclaimed that he thinks my H is having a midlife crisis and that he thinks he needs some time to work things out. When did my little brother get so smart?


I talked to my estranged father for an hour and a half yesterday. He still is harboring a lot of anger and pain from the past. I haven't spoken to him in fifteen years and he feels like we should pick up where we left off. I was calm, polite, and firm. I told him that we couldn't, but that wasn't based on any emotions I had for him. I told him I don't hate you, or anything, but you are a stranger, and I don't know anything about you. But, I also did tell him, that I would accept his Facebook freind request so he could see what was going on in my life, and if something builds, than it does. I also told him that he should have no expectations, as I am not looking to hurt him, but I am just living my life for me. Overall, I think it went as well as it could.

So, I had some cocktails last night with a freind and enjoyed myself, truly enjoyed myself. A much needed release for me.

What I also learned yesterday is how many people want to be a part of my life. I was either on the phone, texting, instant messaging, or emailing Freinds, family, and some new people I have met all day it seemed. I was almost overwhelmed. I got three invites to dinner, one invite to cocktails, and two offers from family members to go do something. Since when did I become Miss Popular! It felt good for me, to be recognized and worthy of association. I went to bed with a true feeling of inner piece that my life will go on single or not. Yay!

So today is my sons 14 birthday, I am glad I feel good today, because I am so excited to see my son and knowing that I will be in H's prescience, I want to have a true PMA today. It really is only going to be for a short time, I am supposed to go to H's apartment so my son can open his birthday gift which we split and have cake. This morning, h texted me and said that he is also going to get Pizza and wanted to see if I would stay for lunch and hang out. I didn't commit, but rather said okay, as I think if the vibe starts turning negative, I will want to have the option of getting the hell out of dodge. But here is to staying positive and hoping things go well.

AJ, thanks for the kind words of saying that I am a worthy person. I wanted to believe this to be true all this time, but couldn't get myself there....I am feeling this way today, and maybe it was all the positive energy from others yesterday, and maybe it is me starting to really let everything go and just relax. Either way, I know if I don't feel worthy, no one else will think I am either. So more work on me today.

Overall, I think today will be a good day!

[AJM]

Very nice to hear you had a good day yesterday. It sounds like you're the type of person that gets energy from crowds (extroverted tendencies perhaps? ). I'm like that too. I can be fine by myself for long periods, but prefer to have people interaction. I like people. Sometimes with ketchup... no wait. Wrong forum.

Seriously, I do like people. If you are like that and want to keep your PMA going, then keep doing that. The thing is, find what recharges you and make time for it. You put things on hold before, and now is a good time to stop that.

I'm glad the conversation went well with your dad. Sorry he has the bitterness still, but I'm not surprised. And who knows, maybe this is an opportunity for your little brother to help your dad? I know for me, my experience actually was a chance to help my own father deal with his feelings regarding my mother's death so many years ago. Weird how things work, no?

Just the same, I hope things work out well with you and your dad regardless. Family is family, right?

And happy birthday to your son!

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Thanks AJ for the sentiments.

Not sure there is anything in the future for me and my father....he will need to work on himself before I could allow any of his energy into my life and my brother, well, their relationship, or lack there of, will be for them to work out, not for me to get involved in.

My sons birthday visit went well. MIL was there to break the tension for me a little. I stayed at H's apartment for two hours and then left, it is too awkward to try and make myself comfortable in his new life...a.k.a. Apartment.

H has noticed the pull back from me. Once again he asked me if everything was okay, and I told him yes. He then responded with "we'll you seem upset and not very talkative when I talk to you." My response..."I am sorry you feel that way, is there something you want to talk about?" His response is "no, just checking on you".

It is really irritating to me that he feels at this moment we should chat like buddies. I would love nothing more to chat with my very missed best friend, but I just can't do that with him. And I am not sure I will be able to ever again unless he would like to work things out.

Is this so wrong?

[TSquared2]

My response..."I am sorry you feel that way, is there something you want to talk about?"

Perfect...

You just might be getting his attention some, making him wonder...stay dim and memorize those 37 rules... Always be as pleasant as you can...

And wanting to chat like buddies? Maybe better than wearing satan horns and tail and enduring endless spew and anger, right? Let him miss you.

You are doing great!

T^2

[BRNR]

stay dim and memorize those 37 rules... Always be as pleasant as you can...

I am working on the pleasant part...it is more just very matter of fact...I know I need to work on that.

And wanting to chat like buddies? Maybe better than wearing satan horns and tail and enduring endless spew and anger, right?

This is very true, and has been mentioned to me before by AJM, but the thing is, I have no desire to be friends with him without the rest of our relationship. I almost feel like he is trying to demote me from a high level position to an entrance level position. I would just rather be fired than insulted. Ego I know, but he and I both agreed in our major blowout that we were each others best friend and we both have lost that. For me to allow him to have a best friend in me, and a lover in possibly another woman is just cake eating that I will not tolerate. SO, in other words, all or nothing for me.

[BRNR]

So, a bit of bad news. I was blocked by H of seeing his Facebook page, but of one of my Freinds isn't and he just told me that H added back OW to his Freinds on Friday....ugh!

I will admit, it has hit me hard...guess she is not out of the picture and I almost feel as if me going dim caused him to seek solace with her once again...

So back to square one of feeling like a piece of sh1t...

Why can't I run away again? Going to bed to forget all the pain and anger...

[job]

Don't drink the kool aid! Your h is having a temper tantrum and this is exactly what the mlcer does when having one. He's punishing you for not allowing him to have Tuesdays and he wants you to feel the pain and hurt.

As for FB and the ow, they most likely were still an item and he just didn't have her "added" in Facebook for a while. Your going dim had nothing to do w/his recent FB antics. Stop blaming yourself for the way he behaves. You have no control over what he does or says.

Mlcers are very selfish, self-absorbed individuals and have a way of "punishing" us when they don't get what they want. You can't waiver from your boundaries when they do these things. If you do, he will know you don't mean to stick to the boundaries at all and he will see them as idle threats.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.

[BRNR]

Don't drink the kool aid! Your h is having a temper tantrum and this is exactly what the mlcer does when having one.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.

I needed this ...