Another dollar in my one-man show

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you for your input, but let me finish my analysis before drawing conclusions too fast.
So, I realised I needed to counter this spiral.

1) Why would a normal, reasonable person want to D or separate if the spouse was blameless? Rather than viewing me without fault, I should strive to understand what lead W to assume the worse of me. Recognising my fault is the first step.

Yes.

2) No matter what the facts are, what matters is perception. Because it will create the interpretation, the emotions and the action.

I think you may be overlooking empathy & an actual change--and Event. The description you gave earlier, of how in your view, your continued sports were fine and in HER view they were not, isn't merely a matter of perception.

You overlooked a dramatic life event in HER life. For her, there was an experience that created HUGE dramatic changes, (ie a baby) but you seem to think the changes in life (perception??) ONLY belonged to her.

Meaning, you seem to think, rather conveniently, that having a child would only change HER life, not yours, (until if and when you felt interested enough in the new person you brought into the world, to make time for him.)

So there is more than perception here.^^^ There were factual EVENTS that changed her life AND yours but you chose to pretend they were all "her perceptions" when in fact your perception was not reality based...and then, she forced some changes on you by removing herself and the boy from your life.

3) As convenient as my three stories are, they are biased at best.

they are completely biased and mostly more of the same...I mean, I knew you were going somewhere with it, so I didn't comment before, but heck yes, they were biased.


Looking honestly at them, they are only pretexts. I am not a poor victim. W is not a evil genius, and i'm not helpless.

correct.

4) In order for us to resume dialogue, not only must I stop trying to systematically shoot down her arguments, but I must welcome her feedback with gratefulness even when it doesn't please my ears.

Yes you do have to seek out and welcome her feedback, and you can be sure it usually won't please your ears. But you have to co-parent now. For NOW I would not seek out dialogue for a lot longer. She's not interested in your feedback OR in dialogue right now so one huge thing for you to deal with is that reality.

5) We've let the situation degenerate, and we're now focused on secondary stuff such as keeping a straight face, showing we were the right one, hurting the other, etc.. and in order to go back to the essential, words won't be enough.

That's where it becomes tricky. Now that I've had a change of heart,

why do you say you've had a change of heart? I'm sincerely asking. Whenever you try to "own" some mistakes of yours, you almost immediately use the word "we" to make sure she gets her share of blame b/c God forbid the scales you use tip in her favor.

When you stop that measuring, and just work on YOU and stay in your sandbox, staying OUT of hers, it'll be a milestone in progress...

Seems as if you are saying things we've already said...

and so I'm asking now, what is actually new in YOU?


for W to see it, it'all have to be through patience, showing interest in my S, responding gently, apologising, not using statement sentences but asking for her opinion, being thankful when she shares her point of view.

Maybe, and I understand it's maybe, some "camaraderie" will build with W and dialogue will resume.

...yes, maybe...


If it doesn't, the years with my son won't be lost, he passed from being one of the many things I had to take care of and manage into being the centrer of my attention and care.

^^^which is a blessing no matter what happens, correct?

And which, even if successful in bringing about an actual reconciliation, is likely to take over a YEAR...

and if not successful- is still a blessing, as is her ability to move forward, and yours...

showing him, someday, a healthy m.

Please feel free now to comment. I'm all ears, as I'm learning to welcome feedback and consider it as a precious gift for change in me.
Have a great Sunday.

Feedback is a gift Bruce. Putting it in military terms, I see it as "intelligence needed for mission success".

If the mission is becoming the best man you can be, which often starts with increasing self awareness, then feedback/intel is mandatory for any mission to succeed.

My suggestion for you is to come up with 3 SPECIFIC behavioral changes you'll make to show change in you, knowing that at first they may feel counter intuitive and damn uncomfortable. These are not changes to get a change in HER but a change in you, period. Understand?

I suggest you not focus on things you "won't do", so much as things you WILL do...

Good luck.