First, this is good that yu recognize this and shared it with her:
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Okay. I have had an increasing amount of anxiety over the next mediation. So much so, that I finally decided, though I wish it otherwise, I would be almost as much of a basket case by the next meeting if I didn’t deal with some of this and soon.
I called W earlier tonight to ask her if we could please postpone the mediation for a week or two. I told her that I wanted to be in a better place mentally so we could discuss these important issues like adults and do what is best for our children. I told her I was sorry I wasn’t there yet, but in the meantime, if she really felt like she needed to file and get the process moving that I would understand (not very good DBing I suppose, but I was honest).
To my surprise, she said she had been feeling the same way. She said she wanted to wait a little while as well, she wasn't so sure now and wanted to talk with her counselor. She said she had pushed for the so soon because she thought it would help me let her go. I told her I had agreed to the D because she had insisted. She said we didn't have to rush (as in Jan?).
Sometimes you have to just be honest with them, whether that'll make things better or worse, or have any effect at all. Part of the journey.
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She really did feel those things she was saying (BD) and that she wanted me to understand how real ALL of it seemed to her at the time,
Yes she did, feelings are REAL, even if not always "facts"...
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She said she had some things to work through and has done so (though later talked about how she is still remembering new things all the time and working on integrating them).
She is making some headway it sounds like. She has a ways to go I imagine...stay out of her way, and yours.
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This exchange just reminded me of how skewed her perception of our M and the current situation still is.
See, you got this... And that tells you where you need to focus still, the mirror and the kids.
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She said that she thinks she wants to work on our marriage, but can make no promises. She said she has been waiting for that ‘in love’ feeling to return, but it just hasn’t and she doesn’t know if it ever will.
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She said she thinks she wants to keep talking, to see if we can reconnect, though at times I may not want to hear it. I told her I was open to talking about almost anything, but I wasn’t interested in hearing about how awful I am anymore.
Script, for now. I get how you don't want to hear about how awful you are anymore...I feel the same. But, you have to let her get her anger out, imo. You don't have to let her abuse you, but this dance is a fine act balancing on the fine line of being a caring, loving human, and being a doormat, imo. FWIW, I let, and continue to, let W burn out her anger...seems if she says it, it dissipates it and due to her lack of validation growing up, self-validates herself, and then she seems to move on (some) lol. And she has very little anger left except for within herself, from her latest sharing with me. Even this morning she told me she has been annoyed with me easily this weekend, but was trying to figure out if it was cause she is ill, or if she is annoyed at herself and projecting it onto me...she wouldn't have said this, and had that self-inspection, a year ago. Time...time...time...
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I’ve been starting to feel a bit like a WAS myself, just trying to resign myself to the reality of the situation and get moving, mostly out of anger. I would rather forgive, love her as a friend if nothing else, and be thankful for what she has given to me over the last 25 years. I’m not there yet.
Been there my friend, and really tough right now with how things seem to be moving, to not push. But look at where it is coming from....anger....never a good mental state to make a decision. If you were TRULY done, I think you wouldn't feel that anger, but I'm not done so haven't felt that "other state" so I really don't know...
Hope this helps some and hang in there!!!! Your kids need that great man called Dad! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
