First of all, happy b-day! Do something nice for yourself.
As far as your actions at mediation, you recognize what you did, and that you still have more work to do on you. You recognize that you are still trying to control the outcome. This is really, really good. I think us really left brain oriented people tend to go along with the idea that if we can control all the variables in the experiment, that we will get the desired outcome. But even science can throw us a loop, much less a human being driven at a very deep level by emotions and variables that weren't controlled, at all, when the experiment was in progress so long ago. And we have OUR reasons why we are driven to control the variables, aside from just good science...For me, I just don't want anything to go wrong, therefore if I control the inputs, nothing will...Well this journey has dis-abused me of that long held notion. You'll get there, you'll make mistakes, you'll learn from them, and be a better man for them.
And as far as thinking you were this controlling monster? Maybe some, but not to the degree that you are beating yourself up with I would imagine. This particular time is different, there is A LOT of emotion, fear, etc on BOTH sides, this isn't nominal to profile right now, know what I mean? Cut yourself some slack, and then get busy on YOU! Print out what you posted, really look at it and develop your plan to remedy those things you see as needing it...
And your dark thoughts and wanting to quit? You wouldn't be human if you didn't have them, I still have fleeting thoughts of quitting, kicking her out and saying "eff it". Time to dig into yourself and figure out where those are coming from and get moving through them, your kids are watching and learning, but you know this already. Something helps me with perspective is other people's stories who have it much worse...not only here, but elsewhere in life...the 10 year old who has cancer, etc. Know what I mean?
(con't)
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
