Bel, I think that is extremely important stuff as I have a similar sitch. My D15 from a prior relationship was born only a month after my W and I got married. My W was always good to her, but there were some significant issues related to it:
1) It took me a long time to forgive myself. I too had a ton of shame and guilt. I never wanted to bring a child into the world out of wedlock, but not only did I do that, I hurt the woman I love. That guilt turned into some self punishing behavior in that I never felt like I deserved my W, and actually pushed her away from me in a lot of ways.
2) My W still has some deep deep resentment related to this. At the time, she wasn't drawing any hard lines, but I still hear about it during arguments, even 15 years later.
I will say, I think you have done wrong by keeping your W excluded from this part of your life. Your D is important, your W is important...why would you keep them separate? Yes, it's a reminder of a mistake, but you both have to forgive you and do what is best moving forward. Your D did nothing wrong...she shouldn't be punished. You need to start doing what is best for YOU and YOUR D.
Originally Posted By: Bel123
I honestly don't know if this M can work with all its baggage.
I think that's a common mistake WAS make. The truth of it is that we all have baggage, in one form or another. Changing one set of bags for another doesn't fix it....working thru the issues does.
Originally Posted By: Bel123
Sometimes when I look back I wonder why would she want to stay and it makes me sad to think of what I have put W through.
I think some of that is good, as it can help us face our demons and make changes. But I also think it's important to not put all the blame on yourself for where your M is. Someone recently said "take 100% of the blame for your 50% of the M" and I think that's a good way to think about it.
