Busting, surrendering doesn't have to be sad. Surrendering means knowing you are being taken care of, and you will be guided down the path that leads to happiness.
You're an amazing person and I'll always be grateful for the support you've given me during this super hard time.
What are your next steps? If you don't know yet, that's ok.
Thank you so much again my dear friends. I really wouldn't know what I would do without you and this place.
I so want to be on a path to happiness. And just when I think I am getting there...my stupid ego gets in my way.
So the past week I have been in Cairo with the kids visiting my family. It was really wonderful. I really needed to be away from here and what sometimes seems like an emotional prison to me.
As I had been doing the past several weeks, I was not talking with H. And it felt really good for me to get this space.
The day we left he called the kids and wished them a good trip and then asked to speak to me and wished the same. When I arrived in Cairo I found a text asking if we had a good flight and if the kids were ok.
He called a couple of times for the kids while we were in Cairo. He sent a Happy Bday text to my dad who celebrated his bday while we were there (the last time he spoke to my dad it was the mail asking to meet him for a D). One time when I did answer his call (I was not with the kids at the time so I wanted to tell him that he can call another number to speak to them), he was polite and decent.
No expectations.
Wrong.
I thought he would have called the kids to tell them to have a safe trip as we were leaving Cairo. He did not. Fine.
When we arrived home tonight, there was nobody at the airport (H usually arranges for a car from the office to pick us up), so I texted and asked because if not I would get a taxi. This was taking too long to get a response so I called. No answer. Then I get a text...the car and driver were there just a bit late. I call again because still couldnt find car and driver and did not wish to hang around airport waiting for text response. No answer. I find car and driver, great, and then hear driver's phone ring and it is H, making sure we found each other.
Ok, nice he did this, but I was so mad that he wouldnt answer my call. My mind went spinning (he is with OW and wont answer my call...blah blah), and just wanted to tell him how rude he was. Sent a text, wish I didnt, saying not sure why you are not answering but just wanted to say I found car and driver.
Anyway, worked through it I am fine. Not a reflection of me. Next time I will handle it differently (call office directly, not H, etc). Realised I need to create new habits.
Also, and this is the real thing thats bugging me. H is arriving tomorrow. After 8 weeks. I am so tied in knots.
Am expecting him to be a jerk to me off the back of 8 weeks with OW. I am expecting a D talk and I am expecting unpleasantness. We did say that we will catch up when he returns about his new work projects and some issues about the kids.
I am just mad. No nervous...anxious...wound up. Mad that we cant get beyond this stupidity and mad that I feel OW has so much influence on him and his R with the kids. Its so sporadic. Maybe its not her, maybe its him. It upsets me. And it upsets me that he is so rude to me at his will. And I am anxious about tomorrow.
I have been journaling and going through my feelings. I have prepared responses and written how I would like to navigate the conversation about the kids.
I realise nothing can prepare me fully because i really have NO IDEA what is going on with him or in his head. I have been running on bits and pieces of things he has said over the past 2.5 years, his actions and his basic dismissal of me and the kids (although he makes more effort with the kids than with me).
I get mad when I look at my two angels and think what did they do to have to live with this heartache? Dont they deserve a second chance? Am I prolonging their heartache by not initiating a D? Can a D magically make things better?
H thinks so.
Yet, he sees very little being away all of the time. He told D5 a week ago ' I will be waiting for you at the airport when you arrive'. She was so excited. I had to tell her actually no, daddy will not be there when we get there. Of course he made sure with ME that I told D5 that he wouldnt be there. WTF. How does a D change that?
I am mad at him.
I am mad at the decisions he has made.
I am venting I know. H will see none of this.
As long as there is an OP involved there will be very little positive movement in a snitch. I get that.
I am so tired. So mad. And right now I feel like I really just dont want him in our lives. And then I think how do I navigate this so that I have a positive R with H so that he can have a positive R with the kids. Right now I feel a lot of resentment.
Let go. Let go.
Whatever he says tomorrow I will accept and, let go. What we resist, persists.
His path. His journey. He wont talk to me about our M, he wont talk to me about his feelings except to show me anger sometimes or blame me for the sitch we are in.
What are my next steps. I dont know. I remember J3b. The long-term strategy.
I feel like H can only be a good father if he loves me. As long as he doesnt love me, he stays away from us all. Like without the D he cant be a good father???? Its like he thinks its ok for him to just swoop in and out and that is ok. He has become a part time father if at all.
I feel like he has some 'plan' that I am not privy to and it pisses me off because this is my life too.
My coach spoke to me about approaching H about being partners in parenting. To ask him what he thinks about that. How he envisions that. And thats what I will do. I do believe in my heart H wants to be an involved father.
I guess tomorrow when he comes I will continue with my PMA and upbeat self, welcome him back, get out of his way so he can be with the kids and, see what this conversation will bring.
ok...enough venting for now. thank you for reading a long if you still are! Needed to let this out.
Thank you everyone.
Back to PMA and regularly scheduled programming.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Remember, we can't be so busy steeling ourselves against our fears that we inadvertently bring them into being. I'm thinking about Michele's story where she was returning from a trip, worried that her H was resentful, and she was all ready to act defensive. She decided to act as if there was no tension and things worked out much better.
Be your warm and charming self (who may have been up to all sorts of fun and mysterious things while H was away...)
Give yourself time to think about any info you get. No need for hasty reactions. Better to observe and think about things.
Does it help, at all, to know that your H is acting the same as my stbx:
"I feel like H can only be a good father if he loves me. As long as he doesnt love me, he stays away from us all. Like without the D he cant be a good father???? Its like he thinks its ok for him to just swoop in and out and that is ok. He has become a part time father if at all. "
Hearing you describe your H made me realise that this, too, is script. It helps me to think that it's something they all do. They have to do it this way, for whatever scrambled reasons.
In this sense, too, nothing we can do about it, but get on with our lives. They are going through a patterned process and we have no control over it - neither do they, it would seem.
I know that you are just getting thoughts out and venting about the unfairness of it all. But I thought it might also help to know how scripted his behaviour seems.
I reckon, keep being the lighthouse; for yourself and your kids. That's what keeps me going.
SD! Where have you been! Its wonderful to hear from you. I hope you are doing well. Thank you for coming by. Thank you for reminding me reminding me about the MWD story. My coach has also spoken to me about it several times. I set the tone. Have missed you SD ((((( )))))
NLW-Thank you. It does help to know that H may be acting according to script (AGAIN!). It makes me want to shake him and say WAKE THE F^%$ UP!
Bug-I understand about doing it for me. The way I am feeling and have been feeling for the past several weeks is that I want very little contact with him right now. It is purely a self preservation mechanism. its not because I wish to punish him. But the way I feel THIS moment is that I want to lash out. That is the old me. That is what I used to do in the past.
So I am battling myself right now to not be the old me. To be the person I have grown into, the person I want to be without being a doormat. Without invoking his disrespect or apathy again. Because that adds to my resentment. It shouldn't. His disrespect is more of a reflection of him rather than me.
I have about 13 hours before he arrives to get my thoughts in order. To practice what I have learned and to prove to myself I can be the woman I see in my mind. I need to let go of the nagging feeling that I want to fix this, 'save' H, 'show him the right way', etc etc.
The thing is, I dont think I fear a D talk like I used to, I am more weary of the sh!tty way he deals with me, depending on his mood. I will set the tone. The most I can do is be the best me I can be.
Anyway, I need to put this aside for awhile. I woke up two hours before my alarm because of this! Enough (second cup of coffee and its only 6 am!)
I know for most of you, today is still your weekend. For us over here it is the first day of the work week...so I guess I need to get myself together, wake up the kids, and bust this day.
Love you all
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm thinking of you and hope you are doing well. I know what it's like to wake up at 4am, not be able to go back to sleep cuz of all the thinking that goes on in your head, and have to care for two little ones all day.
I hope you took a nap or went to bed early.
I wish it was easy to do but you will need to let it go. I mean let go that he didn't answer the phone or meet you guys at the airport. Were you surprised that he wasn't there? Were you surprised that he didn't answer the phone? I don't think so. I think a part of you knew he would be such a coward about it.
Remember not to take his actions so personal. Love yourself so you can love your children. When you let his actions get in your head, it clouds your thinking, it clouds your mothering your children.
Many hugs to you!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
what has been helping me lately is thinking about not throwing that second arrow.... the pain comes up for me of missing my X (the first arrow).... and i am choosing to sit with the sadness and/or the fear instead of trying to escape by throwing a second arrow at myself (it is my fault, i am unloveable, i should have.... ) or her (how could she...) i find it all passes much quicker when i just allow myself that moment of sadness or fear.
love you sweet lady.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
(((Busting)))) My thoughts are with you over the next day....
My feeling is that there can be positive movement in a sitch when OP is involved, but not the movement you want, it can still be positive. Look at me, right? There are many things in my R with H that I would not have been able to understand and him talk about if I did not accept where he was with his life.
Is it easy? Nope? Bug said it sounded painful, but any less painful than other experiences made from other ways of dealing with things?
Think of positive steps in terms of how strong you are now. Think of H as peripheral, in terms of expecting things that go unsaid. If it is not said and agreed upon, neither party can expect anything from the other. I think we still fall into patterns of expectation in terms of what has occurred in the past.
If H always had a car waiting, why, you think to yourself, would that change? Now, I would ask, not expect etc. And when it does happen, it is such a nice surprise, just the feeling of someone doing something for you and in my case, it makes me think about my own behaviours. The other day I was at H's apt. and did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen. He certainly didn't expect me to clean it up and said Thank you. I didn't expect a thank you, I did it because I wanted to. (well, and I was bored.....)
I think sometimes our expectations, hopes and fears, even though they keep us going everyday are also our worst enemies. So how do we balance them without destroying ourselves, or anyone else, in the process?
