Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

Bel,
I have a question...
In your signature, you say that you have been together for 13 years, yet you have a 9 year old daughter, separate from your W, and this has been an issue for you...
What are the details of this?

Cat… this is going to be a long one 
After a couple of years of being together we were having our ups and downs and I think she got bored. She started hanging out with this one guy and I saw that he liked her so I told her of what I thought. She denied it. She was telling me she was at one place but other people were telling me she was elsewhere. So she felt pressured and broke off our relationship. She said she wasn’t sleeping with the guy. Even though we were broken up, we were still sleeping together. I snooped and found an email from her to her sister saying she slept with him. I confronted her about it and she said she was sorry. Months later we worked on it and go back together. A couple of years later I while we were still together I cheated and slept with a woman with protection. She got pregnant. She wasn't sure if it was mine but there was a possibility. I told my now W (GF then). It devastated her because she said she thought we were in a good place. I told her that it was nothing she did but my own fault and that I still loved her even if my action did not show it. I told her I will be there for my child if it was mine but I still wanted to be with her. We got back together. Months later my D was born and I did the DNA test and she was mine. We got engaged the same year and got married the following year. My actions have always been a source of shame for me but that does not stop me from being a good father to my D. More so since D has been with her GPs as I did not get along well with D’s mother because she was not taking care of D the way she should have. D's mother was not fit so D has been living with her GPs for over 5 years now. I visit regularly and talk on the phone with her. Because I did not want to hurt my W with the thought of what I did, I did not involve her in a lot of my communication with D. I don't believe I have fully forgiven myself for what I did. I did invite W to visit D with me a few times but she didn't want to. Years before my S was born we did talk about the future and I told her that I would like to bring D to live with us since that would be a better situation for her even though the GPs are great. She said once we have a child and are ready we can talk about it.

I don’t think we have worked out our own issue of the past and all we did was sweep them under the rug. It all started to bubble up. Insecurities from both sides pop up and instead of reassuring each other, we go further and further away from each other. I hoped she has accepted my D but I don't believe she has and that makes things very difficult. My view of it was I have told her before knowing my D was mine and she said she has forgiven me. But deep down inside I don’t think she has. And I didn't make it any easier because I was shielding W from the past because we just didn't talk that much about it. Now I believe I was doing it for myself as well. This made it more and more difficult as time passed.

When we first started going to MC and was asked what I wanted, bringing D to live with us was one of the things. Even though W did not say no, I felt she didn't from her actions and I told her with you or without you I want to bring D here. By that time we already have not been in good terms for a year and we were distant from each other. The one thing W said that I did not conceder was what if staying with GPs is best for D. I honestly did not think of it that way and now, even though I am saying this is what I want, it would be after exploring the options and talking to D before bringing her out.

Usually when I get my mind in an emotional state I don't think right. What I saw was W wanting to best for S but not for my D. Thats a big thing I have to work on is forgiving myself and letting go of the guilt and be a better person. Also not always assume W has an agenda of not wanting D here. Even if W has or hasn't forgiven me, it should not let me stop from being the person I want to become. I know I have great qualities as a person and I want get more of those qualities and get rid of the bad ones.

I honestly don't know if this M can work with all its baggage. I hope it can and I know if it is meant to be then it would. I am getting to the point where I do understand if W doesn't want to stay. Sometimes when I look back I wonder why would she want to stay and it makes me sad to think of what I have put W through.