Hi Val, just popping in to offer my support for you as you decide what to do regarding tea with your XW.

If this was simply some friend that you were going to meet for coffee, whom you had not had an intimate life with, how would your decision process go? What would your answer be and what would your expectations be?

May I submit you would likely think, "Absolutely! It has been such a long time and I would love to catch up with her!"

Now, what if this was a friend whom you were not intimate with, but had some falling out with. Perhaps you both had different opinions about something, maybe politics, religion, a bad business deal. It has left you with a bad taste in your mouth, although you have mostly forgiven. What might your answer be? What would your expectations be?

In this case, I can give you my own thought on that. If it was something that I would consider, but I certainly would not be expecting a re-connection and re-kindling of friendship. This would be more a situation that, if I randomly met them on the street and a conversation struck up, I might have an extended conversation with them, catch up quickly, have a quick tea with them as we were doing so, and move on. I will not hold grudges, but I will not open my life up to someone whom at that point, is just an acquaintance. Friendly and pleasant, but not suddenly bringing them back into the fold. I would only plan a tea gathering if it truly was something that I might do, while out and about in the area, anyhow.

I have only maybe two people in my life, that I have repeatedly let back into my life, who I have repeatedly let myself get hurt due to the association. And those people are not allowed back into my life. Only because while I could learn something from the exchange in the sense that I could learn how to interact, but in a detached way.

This decision that you need to make is truly about your forgiveness of yourself, first. Then, your forgiveness of your XW. Then of trust of yourself, which means no expectations. Expect that you would have tea with someone you have not seen in a while. That you might get to understand them and find out how they are. You don't need to decide at this time, whether you want her back in your life. That would be decided once you've had tea with her.

If you decide to go, like we say in DB, make sure you have something else going on, that you may extricate yourself from the meeting in the event that you do not want to prolong it.

And know that if, during the tea, you no longer feel comfortable or safe, get yourself out of there without worrying about what she might think. Because that is irrelevant.

What ever choice you make, it will be right... for you... for right now...