Not confused, still emotional, getting very angry

[BRNR]

Thanks everyone for letting me vent. AJ it was an expression of my feelings...I have no one to really express them to without being judged.

I feel a lot better today. For once, I think I see clearly that H is going through something and there is nothing I can do to help him through it. I truly wish there was and I hope he becomes a better man for it on the other side.

Yesterday despite of having no plans, I had a busy day. I talked to my brother for quite a few hours and he was able to help me gain clarity on my situation with H by sharing his own experience with his past relationships. This was much needed, and I felt that under the devasting circumstances I feel me losing h is, this sitch has brought my brother and I closer. My brother even proclaimed that he thinks my H is having a midlife crisis and that he thinks he needs some time to work things out. When did my little brother get so smart?


I talked to my estranged father for an hour and a half yesterday. He still is harboring a lot of anger and pain from the past. I haven't spoken to him in fifteen years and he feels like we should pick up where we left off. I was calm, polite, and firm. I told him that we couldn't, but that wasn't based on any emotions I had for him. I told him I don't hate you, or anything, but you are a stranger, and I don't know anything about you. But, I also did tell him, that I would accept his Facebook freind request so he could see what was going on in my life, and if something builds, than it does. I also told him that he should have no expectations, as I am not looking to hurt him, but I am just living my life for me. Overall, I think it went as well as it could.

So, I had some cocktails last night with a freind and enjoyed myself, truly enjoyed myself. A much needed release for me.

What I also learned yesterday is how many people want to be a part of my life. I was either on the phone, texting, instant messaging, or emailing Freinds, family, and some new people I have met all day it seemed. I was almost overwhelmed. I got three invites to dinner, one invite to cocktails, and two offers from family members to go do something. Since when did I become Miss Popular! It felt good for me, to be recognized and worthy of association. I went to bed with a true feeling of inner piece that my life will go on single or not. Yay!

So today is my sons 14 birthday, I am glad I feel good today, because I am so excited to see my son and knowing that I will be in H's prescience, I want to have a true PMA today. It really is only going to be for a short time, I am supposed to go to H's apartment so my son can open his birthday gift which we split and have cake. This morning, h texted me and said that he is also going to get Pizza and wanted to see if I would stay for lunch and hang out. I didn't commit, but rather said okay, as I think if the vibe starts turning negative, I will want to have the option of getting the hell out of dodge. But here is to staying positive and hoping things go well.

AJ, thanks for the kind words of saying that I am a worthy person. I wanted to believe this to be true all this time, but couldn't get myself there....I am feeling this way today, and maybe it was all the positive energy from others yesterday, and maybe it is me starting to really let everything go and just relax. Either way, I know if I don't feel worthy, no one else will think I am either. So more work on me today.

Overall, I think today will be a good day!