Life, continued (22+ months)

[adinva]

It's so much easier to be strong in other people's threads.

H came over to work on our taxes on our computer and I was there part of the time. (As I was headed out on an errand I asked him if he'd like me to bring him any tax-doing snacks or drinks; I think that was nice of me. He declined though.) But as he got ready to go I asked him "So, what's the plan for W'burg this week?"

He said "Well, we'll drive down early Weds and come home Friday. I got us a hotel room about a mile from the park entrance, and I got the tickets we can use until September. It was a package deal and breakfast is included." I said "Great! that sounds really good." He said "Oh yeah I never did mention to our friends that we'd be there, we probably should see if they're around." I said "yeah, I'll let them know we're coming."

I was getting uncomfortable with my decision and having trouble spitting it out. Then I said, "Um, so how many rooms did you book?" He said one. I said "Well, I think probably we should have two rooms don't you? Well, don't worry about it I'll see what I can do. Maybe I'll stay with our friends. I do think it's great that you'll be so close to the park since that always adds so much time for driving there and parking."

What's hard for me is that it would be so normal for us all to share a room. It is so normal for us to be frugal and not pay for two rooms when we could have one. It is so normal for us to put down any silly needs for the greater good. It is so fun to be all in one room, watching tv together, getting room service together, enjoying the kids (or not) together. And the feelings this brings up are the feelings of the old days, the marriage and family I LIKED, I was FINE with, I still WANT. And that, I believe, is gone. So it creates this little glimmer that things really are just like they were and this divorce really is unreal.

Half of me says that's silly and just go with the flow, don't be a party pooper and insist that we are SEPARATED and should act like it, then I'm the meany changing things that could be just fine and fun. But I'm not, he's the one wanting to end our marriage, he's the one not living with us. I'm just trying to live out the reality that he put in place.

But me getting my own place will bring up questions the kids will ask, why are you in a different room, why can't we be in your room, can we be in your room? Why do you get to stay with our friends and not us? And it will be a weird different kind of vacation where I meet them places instead of be right in the middle of it.

I guess the relevant thing is, if even just thinking about all this is painful and confusing for me, and sets up expectations that maybe we'll really be ok and drop this divorce thing, is it doing this in the kids' heads too?

The kids love our friends. They have a really cute little boy and a nice dog and cat, and it's great to stay in their house with them. I will expect that if I stay there I'll definitely be asked by the kids why they can't too. And I will not make my h's plan for a family vacation into H staying all alone in a hotel while the rest of us hang out with our friends. The kids must stay at the hotel with H and get their free breakfast and be close to the park, that's non negotiable.

I felt sick to my stomach trying to get to sleep after even suggesting to H that I should get a second room. This in-between not married not yet divorced haven't even started negotiating the separation agreement but knowing it's coming stage is VERY HARD on me emotionally. I feel like a raw nerve ending.