Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[adinva]

You are trying to dictate her feelings. It hasn't worked before, and it's not going to now.

It will have the impact on her that it does, no more no less, if you remain detached (ie you have a positive mental attitude regardless of her behavior) and confident in your decision. You have made a good case here for your decision, don't second guess it.

Pia Mellody's CD set on boundaries describes an invisible bubble around you that's your emotional boundary. What W says comes out in a blue box that floats over to you and bumps into your bubble. There, you take it out of the box and decide is it true or is it false, or is it partially true? Let the true part in and listen to it. Let the rest bounce off and land on the floor. Feel your feelings about the true part only. Recognize that the poison she may coat her words in are HER emotion because she's hurting or has emotional scars, but it is not YOURS to accept.

How that applies here? Suppose the car arrives and you say pleasantly, hey, W, wanna take it out for [dinner, hike, shopping trip]? She says something rude: "no, I'm not setting foot in your stinky stupid car, not ever not no-how, I told you not to get it." It floats up to you. Is any of it true? Um yes. She did tell you not to get it. Let that in and see how you feel about it. You could respond moderately. "Yes, I understand. You did tell me that. I guess you probably didn't like that I overruled you, but this is something I'm going to really enjoy. You'll still be welcome to use it if you change your mind. Anyway, [change subject...]" anything else true? Is it stinky or stupid? not true, let it float away without any kind of a response at all, without even feeling HURT by it! Do you feel hurt by leaves falling from the trees? Let little daggers from her be as irrelevant to you once you've determined they should be. How about "I'm never setting foot in it"? Well, the future's unwritten, so that may be true or not, but the partial truth is that she's not getting in it today just to prove her point. Does that require a response? Maybe the truth of it for you is that you do feel a little hurt that this car isn't immediately a peace offering between you, but it's not, and you shouldn't have expected it to be. Let that idea go. The car itself is not a peace offering....however, the Luke who buys and enjoys a car after deciding his wife's objections aren't relevant is a STRONGER Luke with a mind of his own, and that's a good Luke to be. Whether or not it ever gets across to W and begins to change her heart.

Yes, the car can be a tool to adventure, yay! Plan your first trip now! What's the coolest nearby place to hike - is there a waterfall or a good view? Pick a date, set the time, invite S and D. Then, invite one other person without guessing that they'll say no. Invite the dance teacher, or one of the guys you were going to hear music with (is that right? I might be mixing you up with someone else). Invite a second and a third. Doesn't matter if every one of them turns out busy, you just go ahead with your plan and you weren't an unsociable loner you were an EVENT PLANNER and you keep doing it. If you do it once a month people will start to be able to predict and plan around it so they can attend. Invite as many people as fit in your car. And then if there's space invite W. She'll say no, but that's ok, the daytrip is for you and your buddies. You get points just for having something interesting to do and inviting her, with no sense of urgency about her decision one way or another.

If the same people keep telling you no on the hikes cast the net a little wider and invite someone else, or look for a hiking club if there's a university near you. Is there anything like meetup.com in Sweden? Do people put up notes in coffee houses and grocery stores to sell stuff or find roommates? You could post a note to find someone who likes to hike and might like an occasional hiking buddy. Oh, any outdoor equipment store would probably know how to connect you with some fellow enthusiasts.