Did some more reflecting yesterday on the interaction with H in the AM. I stay on this journey and keep coming back here because it pushes me to let go of my unhealthy, automatic ways of dealing with things.
Why was I unsettled by the interaction? Because I wasn't in control, lizard brain took over for awhile and I was on automatic. As I sat here and he walked in I could feel the adrenaline start to surge and that is my signal that I need to slow down and think. If I look around and there isn't a saber-toothed tiger about to pounce me, I need to take my reaction down several notches. It's not easy with that adrenaline surge.
So my best course would have been to remove myself from the situation and let time do it's job. The fight-or-flight would have subsided and I could have sent an even-tempered email.
What I did wasn't bad but it could have gone way off track because I was reacting and on auto. I wasn't making choices. Once in the conversation, I did make some choices: I didn't raise my voice, didn't use blaming language but could have done that part better, didn't continue to press (much), ended it quickly.
These are all big improvements for me. So I will again applaud my baby steps.
I did want to control the outcome, wanted an apology, wanted his reaction to be different but that's not mine to control. His feelings are his. I struggle with this still because I want people to like me and for years that guided my thoughts and actions and I had no boundaries.
Boundaries are difficult but necessary.
All in all, I'm OK with what happened yesterday.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
