Having been on anti-depressants myself, which really do take a while to work, and then gradually, I can also very much recommend the "Idiot's guide to Cognitive behavioral therapy". There is insight in this book as to why and how people get depressed - better than meds imo, as understanding gives you power.
Good luck -
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi everyone, the past few days have been quiet for me at the home. about 2 weeks ago i got into another argument with my husband because he was talking divorce again. I agreed to it but on one condition, he needs to pay for my move back to the USA. He owes my family some money and did not support my move to Japan so both me and my family think this is a fair trade of if a D if what he really wants.
He didnt like that idea and asked "why do I have to pay?" i could list all the reasons here but its a waste of writing space. I am so sad that he cant remember everything i went through to come be with him in Japan. Its more sad that he cant remember what happened when he lived in seattle with me and my family. I guess this is a bi product of depression but sometimes its hard to believe.
Since then if he brings up the D i simply tell him that we have already discussed this and my terms are not negotiable. He hasnt talked about it since then.
there is alot of ups and downs with him, some days he is okay and we can do some small things together like rent movies. This weekend we watched some together and ate Ramen (japanese noodle soup) together.
It just doesnt make much sense to me, if a D is REALLY what he wants then I dont think he would even bother being at home with me, he would go live with his brother on the other side of town, or with a friend. I dont think he would bother renting movies with me or eating meals with me. I have to remind myself of this daily when he is not making sense.
Anyway, im not talking to him about it or anything else personal for that matter, i have a vacation coming up next week so i will have two weeks away from him to visit my Grandma in the Philippines. Im a bit dreadful of whats going to happen when i get back if anything.
Oh lord, everyone i gave a small update. I just discovered that my husbsnd has discontinued his medication due to side effects and refuses to go back to the clinic. He says he wants to try herbal remedies instead. I dont inow how reliable any meds/ herbs are but im expecting a relapse and preparing for ww3 in the house. He has already been verbally and emotionally abusive to me the past 5 months, when he sas something vad i either ignore it or tell him " thats a really mean thing to say." But i expect it to get worse. Wears my battle helmet, time to hunker down.
Wow its been a while since i posted here! I got back from my Philippines trip about 2 weeks ago. It was very nice and I was happy to be on my own for a while with my family. I was able to talk to my Grandma and relatives about what was going on too. My husbands behaivor has gotten better since coming off the medicine, he is more cheerful and active around the house. He loves cooking so he always cooks me dinner. He hasnt talked about D for the past 2-3 months so Im not sure if he even wants it anymore or if he is just cake eating at this point. We are still loveless, no intimacy or touching, i dont try to initiate anything anymore and i only talk to him if he talks to me first.
Since my vacation though I am seriously thinking of walking away =( Even though my husband is getting better, theres no telling if he will ever be affectionate with me again and thats something i NEED in a relationship.
Even if its just a small guesture, like holding hands, thats atleast SOMETHING but im not even getting that right now and havent for 6 months.
Im going to give my husband a bit more time and continue with my 180's and see what happens but if I dont see any more improvement by june I am going to call it quits. Theres no sense to me being in Japan if I dont have my husbands love and support.
I know I need to be patient...but how patient is patient?
here is a list of 180's I am doing: *speak only when spoken too, keep answer simple but enthusiastic and happy
*do dishes more at home (sorry this is one chore I HATE and avoided in the past)
*Visit with friends 2-3x a month (used to only see them every other month because I was always with my husband)
*Treat myself to lunch or dinner ALONE once a week.
*Go out shopping and engage in hobbies alone, never ask husband to join
*do not talk about future or past with husband, do not talk about D
*Do not text Husband unless its an emergency, absolutely do not call him
*be engaged and busy in the house
*make vacation plans without him, plan it with my friends and family instead
I would suggest that you try being slowly affectionate towards him because what you're doing isn't working. He told you that he wanted to get off meds which you disagreed with, but you said he has gotten much better. He might just be scared and your distancing probably wasn't helping much.
Since he's Japanese, he might have the typical "samurai" attitude where he doesn't show weakness. It's not like Americans. Try a light touch here and there, then increase the frequency. The majority of your issues stemmed from his depression, so I'm not sure what you mean by "how patient is patient". I'm assuming you made vows when you got married. He was sick before.
What were some of the things that you did before that attracted the two of you together?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hello Mr. Bond. I am not sure if you read my previous posts but H was NOT depressed when we got married or when we met, this is all relatively new. I did make vows to him but right now he doesnt want me to keep them, he wants me to jump ship so he doesnt have to feel guilty. He doesnt want the meds because its taboo in japan to have a mental illness and he doesnt want anyone to know. The samurai attitude doesnt exist. Most men in my husbands generation mooch of their parents until they are in their 40s because people are socially stunted here. I know that sounds harsh but its true. The divorce rate here is higher than in the USA, porn is a major problem, no one is having children and domestic abuse is considered normal. Not to mention the hostess/ prostitution / escort industry/ child pornography is off the scale.
Have you lived here? I dont mean to sound indignant and i do appreciate your post.
Yes he did get better, oddly enough, not being on the meds but i wonder if thats really because he is "better" or if its because he is just running away and it makes him feel good to deny his condition.
If i try to touch my husband in anyway he phsically swats my hand away, even if its just a pat on the shoulder, and tells me to get lost. Im not sure what else i can do for him other than be here and listen to him. I still cook him meals, clean the house, pay my half the bills and maintain my own social life so he isnt smothered by me. The last time i tried to be coy with him, just touching his leg lightly, he had a pissed off annoyed look on his face. Obviously he didnt like it.
I think its not just depression, its almost a MLC for him. Even though he is young, 30 is a bad age in japan especially if you dont have a career (he doesnt), there is alot of social stigmas here. I know he isnt proud of himself and he is dissapointed with many things in his life, some of which i am responsible for and i own up to that, but i am not his stepping stone, his maid, or his big mistake.
I can wait a few more months to see what happens but if nothing happens then i assume he is just enjoying the benefits of a roommate because he cant afford to live on his own.
I did read DB and DR and i go to therapy for myself once a month.
H cant have his cake and eat it too. I dont deserve, nor he, to be treated like an inconvenience. I try to think of things i did differently when we first met but that was back in america and it was a different situation. I had the support of friends and family, more social freedom, a great job with great people. but i gave it all up to be with my H, paid my own way to japan, paid for the wedding, paid for our apartment goods because H did not have a good job at the time. I feel like he has used me honestly and now he can throw me away because he never invested in us financially, he didnt even want to pay for the D even though he wanted it.
I dont feel like i am different, i still have the same hobbies, still like the same things. The only difference is that i grew up and got serious about making a living while H wants to work only part time and accept handouts from his parents. I know he doesnt like how independent i am because it makes him look bad and yet he cant find the motivation to work himself a bit harder or find a better job, should i then cut back on my job and activities to accommodate his insecurities? I have a feeling if i do that he will be angry that he has to support me.
Depression is a beast i am not qualified to handle, if that is truly what it is. I can give him some time and space if that is what he needs ( and that seems to be what he wants) but like i said, when is enough enough?
Again i dont want to sound angry or bitter, i just want to be realistic.
Need to add, husband has NOT been back to the doctor, will not go, will not talk to any professional about his depression and isnt even honest with his own family about whats going on.
Even with my DBing and GALing it may or may not have any impact on him in his condition. But thats not the point right? I am trying to make a better stronger me and letting him go, as much as i dont want to, may be a part of that. I respect the vows i made to him but i cant force a sick man to stay with me if he truly wants out. Maybe letting go is also part of "loving and cherishing."
I can recommend the book "Idiots guide to cognitive behavioral therapy" - it gives a helpful understanding of why you are depressed and then how to deal with this, without meds.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
