Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

So the previous was a week ago. Our next mediation is scheduled for this coming week. I’ve been very down, but trying to feel through this. Trying to accept what is happening on a level I haven’t until now. Trying to really think about my role in the M and not just write off W as an MLC loon. She has legitimate complaints and I have used the MLC label to dismiss some of them, while not really doing anything about the ones I acknowledge as legit. She is in crisis, of that I have little doubt, but so am I. And my crisis is self-induced in a way hers is not. She has real childhood trauma, real self-esteem and self-identity issues, and a husband who was really tired of listening to her talk about them and tried to shut it all down out of fear.

Okay. I have had an increasing amount of anxiety over the next mediation. So much so, that I finally decided, though I wish it otherwise, I would be almost as much of a basket case by the next meeting if I didn’t deal with some of this and soon.

I called W earlier tonight to ask her if we could please postpone the mediation for a week or two. I told her that I wanted to be in a better place mentally so we could discuss these important issues like adults and do what is best for our children. I told her I was sorry I wasn’t there yet, but in the meantime, if she really felt like she needed to file and get the process moving that I would understand (not very good DBing I suppose, but I was honest).

To my surprise, she said she had been feeling the same way. She said she wanted to wait a little while as well, she wasn't so sure now and wanted to talk with her counselor. She said she had pushed for the so soon because she thought it would help me let her go. I told her I had agreed to the D because she had insisted. She said we didn't have to rush (as in Jan?).

I’m a little fuzzy on the exact details of our conversation as I didn’t expect one (!), but…

She said she had been feeling very integrated, like she is putting herself back together. She said that she really was going through ‘something’ in the fall. She really did feel those things she was saying (BD) and that she wanted me to understand how real ALL of it seemed to her at the time, implying she isn’t so sure now. She said she feels like she has taken control of her life. She said she had some things to work through and has done so (though later talked about how she is still remembering new things all the time and working on integrating them). She said she was very proud of herself for facing these things and she thought she was f’ing awesome, even if I didn’t. I tried to validate and let her do most of the talking.

There was a bit of MLC script (maybe not compatible, I didn’t really like her, etc.), but not the hurtful spew as in Jan. and Feb. She said she thought the kids were doing better in school and happier now that they are in two happy homes and there wasn’t so much conflict. Though I didn’t argue (I said I was very proud of them), this is real nutty. There was no huge amount of conflict before BD. I’m glad the children are weathering this okay (I don’t know if I would have at their ages), but they have always excelled at school and if anything, they are, sadly, being more eager to please. This exchange just reminded me of how skewed her perception of our M and the current situation still is.

She wanted to tell me about a recent job interview. It’s a good job with real career potential and she really thinks she has a good shot. I think it sounds awesome and told her so. She said she didn’t think she would have had the courage to pursue it before BD, and she is probably right (certainly in the summer leading up to it).

She said that I had so many admirable qualities and her life was so blessed for me having been a part of it. She said that she thinks she wants to work on our marriage, but can make no promises. She said she has been waiting for that ‘in love’ feeling to return, but it just hasn’t and she doesn’t know if it ever will. The new her looks at how I disrespected her and is still very angry about it. She said that she will not go back to the way she was. I said I didn’t think that was possible and no expectations about our relationship beyond respectful cooperation with raising the children.

She said she thinks she wants to keep talking, to see if we can reconnect, though at times I may not want to hear it. I told her I was open to talking about almost anything, but I wasn’t interested in hearing about how awful I am anymore. I don’t know if this was a mistake, but it was honest. I told her I have apologized for my role in breakdown or our M and am still examining it, but I can’t change the past. She started crying toward the end and sounded incredibly sad when saying goodbye. My heart was breaking so bad for her. She may not want it, but I want to hold her and comfort her so bad.

I am not going to continue to leave all the initiating of communication in her hands, I am essentially in almost total NC. I am going to keep working on my PMA (it sure as sh*t needs it).

I’m not sure what to make of all this. She is still this mix of supreme confidence and confusion. I’m positive if you go through my previous posts, you could find the bits and pieces to construct this exact conversation, so I don’t know. I’m glad mediation is on hold for the moment, but mostly to give me a chance to detach and deal with it if and when it’s back on the table. I’ve been starting to feel a bit like a WAS myself, just trying to resign myself to the reality of the situation and get moving, mostly out of anger. I would rather forgive, love her as a friend if nothing else, and be thankful for what she has given to me over the last 25 years. I’m not there yet. I would truly be interested in anyone’s comments or insights.