Thursday I was at the house with the girls and just thinking about how I had to cancel something I wanted to do for myself so that she could work that evening. That got me thinking about how we are both RIDICULOUSLY busy trying to manage this new, more expensive life that has us separated and paying for two living spaces with associated costs. We're both working really hard, having very little time to slow down at all, yet we are in WORSE shape financially. It wasn't so much about the money - it's never been about the money for me - it's just that both of our lives are so hectic so we can TRY and figure out a way for this to work with us being separate. So much time and effort and energy, and so much less time and family stability and money to show for it. We went from making decent money to the point now where we aren't saving for the kids' college funds. I mean, what are we doing? The kids are spending countless more hours in the van or at her work so she can "support herself," and it's really hard on them. The whole family dynamic just plain [censored] and I don't want that for them.
That was the catalyst for Thursday.
Today it hit me again. I went on a campout with one of my daughters yesterday and we returned this afternoon. The campout was with a group of her/our old friends from before we moved this past summer as a result of the whole sitch. My daughter cried - and this isn't my crier of the bunch - and it just hit me again how difficult this is on them. I know that it is and the children are handling it better than I ever expected (and I'm SO proud of them for it), but it is still REALLY difficult on them. And my heart breaks for them too. They didn't ask for any of this. And when I know they're hurting I just don't want to hear that "kids are resilient...they'll be fine." I KNOW they'll be "fine," but I'm their dad and I don't want them to just be "fine." That isn't what the life I want to provide for them and the journey I want to set them off on.
Of course, I'm grounded in that I realized I pushed her so far that this life is a better option than a life with me. *Ugh*
I've had feelings like this before, but the love I have for my wife has always outweighed these feelings. The two times this resentment has happened over the last three days is the first time the love for her didn't outweigh the resentment and disappointment. And I found this resentment to stimulate something that hasn't happened before in my life with W: a feeling of NOT total attraction to her. It's a new and interesting feeling, to say the least.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
