I am so horribly lonely deep down in the bottom of my soul.
I am scared that I'll miss out on so much because I have no one to experience things with, and I'm just tired of doing those things alone. I want someone to share my life and nature and beautiful experiences with. I want someone who shares the same enthusiasm for a day on the lake, or a hike in the woods. I want to connect on a meaningful level but I don't know how. It was so hard to let my husband in and look where that got me.
I am also scared that I'll spend the rest of my days alone. If that is to be the case, then I want them to be few. I only had one other serious relationship apart from my marriage, and the likelihood is that my life will continue that way. I am a kind, thoughtful, generous, successful person, but that, it appears, is not enough. I don't know how to share my deepest hopes and fears because they scare me and because doing that only pushes people away. I was conditioned through my upbringing to believe and behave as if I am not worthy, not deserving, solely responsible for me, and never entitled to love. I just don't trust and am paralyzed by the fear of having to go through this pain again. But I want real love so badly.
There are days that I just don't want to go on. Most weekends I wish I could sleep them away and wake up on Monday morning to go to work. I hear from nobody in a meaningful way on the weekends, and am tired tired tired of being the person who has to do all the reaching out. When I pass over the train tracks near my house some days I just wish a train would come along at just the right moment.
The loneliness is killing me. I can't talk to my friends or family about this because they don't deserve to hear it and what would it change. I've seen several counsellors, but the appointments always tend to happen when I'm feeling ok or else I'm objective about my emotions and just explain them away. They never seem to ask the probing questions. Or maybe I hide my pain well.
I don't know why I'm posting this here. Maybe because at the root of it all is my husband's abandonment of me. I looked into selling my house and it'll be difficult. The house on the corner has been for sale about a year. And what would that change anyway? I guess I'd encounter more people that way and have easier access to things to do, but it won't fix the loneliness. I really just want to turn back the clock to before my husband and I met, before we married, before we moved to the country. I've never shared my pain or sorrow with him because I always hoped he'd come home. I've realized now that this is just prolonging an emotional investment in a relationship that is over. Maybe it's akin to Stockholm syndrome...I've been making excuses for what my husband. I've been his biggest defender first because his actions were some completely off the wall and out of character (or maybe the good person I married wasn't him at all. Maybe the real him is the amoral lying, cheating wife abandoner. But that's not what the abuse survivor sites tell me.), and later because he told me what happened to him. But really, it doesn't make what he did OK. I still hurt a lot some days. I believe there's healing value in having the person who hurt you face what they did. He thinks I'm OK because that's what I tell him so he won't worry and to DB, but I'm not OK. And as long as I bury this I fear I won't heal.
But none of this changes the fact that I am so unbelievably lonely and isolated that I often want to die so the pain of it will stop. And I cope with it alone because I can't tell anybody.
Sorry for being a complete downer. I just had to reach out somewhere.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
