Stuck..how do I get out???

[tiredndrained]

Just a brief update (in case anyone cares..lol). Still making very slow baby steps. H hasn't gone out in about 2 weeks. Big improvement as far as leaving goes but today is Sat so we still have tonight. He is doing things more with the kids and mentally seems more involved. Fixed a bunch of things in the house. Started turing the kid's old playroom into a media room. Something I wanted done for a while now. These are all the positives....The negatives..won't sleep in bed with me, no affection, still treats me like his roommate and not his wife. Also, got in a huge argument the other night after the porn thing. He was telling me he is leaving as soon as he gets a job, etc. Still thinks I am the cause of all his problems and our arguments, although fewer than in the past, are much dirtier than ever before. I've heard myself say things I never in a million years would come out of my mouth. I guess he has a way of bringing that out in me. I guess I am still trying to determine if things will continue to get better or this is the best it will get and he will never warm up to me. I don't want to live forever as a roommate. Still working on me. Going on a business trip this week. Dreading it but maybe it will be good to get out of the house. Kids begging me not to go but I have no choice. They are worried H will leave them overnight when I go. I actually know that won't happen he wouldn't do that but all this drama for the past few months and that is how they perceive his judgement.

[tiredndrained]

Lol...spoke too soon...sat night n he is gone...i knew my mlc H couldn't stay in for two sat in a row. Lots of screaming today bc house is messy n he seems to feel as if this is my fault. H asked how he can live in our house the way it is. It is a little messy but i worked today. Nothing close to as bad as he makes it seem. He doesn't work...why can't he clean when he home, right??..we all cleaned like maniacs to shut him up then after we all cleaned n he left anyway. arggggg....so much pain n frustration!!!!

[LoisB]

I'm sorry you are having a bad evening. I've been there with the housecleaning issue and it stinks.

He woulda gone out regardless of the house, this isn't about you. I know it feels that way, but I promise at some point in the future, you will be able to clearly see how nothing you could've done or not done would have prevented this train wreck. He's the conductor right now--try to get out of the way. :-)

Know that you're not alone.

Heather (Lois)

[LoisB]

Tired, I hope today is going a little better than yesterday.

Remember, you don't have to tolerate any verbal or physical abuse. Leave the house and go elsewhere until things cool down, if necessary. When you feel threatened in any way and/or the kids feel threatened, it's time to remove yourself from his insanity. I know this because I've had to do it myself. There were times, sadly, when I should've done it, and didn't. Always stay on the safe side. You won't regret it.

Staying a listening to his verbal spew, however, can leave plenty of scars on everyone.

Take care of yourself today. You deserve it.

Heather

[mizjjd]

Hey TnD.

My H is gone too - for his weekly gambling. He tried to start in on me about a housework project today and I calmly told him I wouldn't have time but thought it would be great if he wanted to stay home and do the work himself

I see, and could be wrong, you still "reacting" to your H.

Remember this is now the TnD show. (By the way, you may want to consider renaming yourself. How about Terrific and Desirable? Tantalizing and Delicious?) Anyway, as its your show, you get to set the tone. If your H is spewing, CALMLY ask him to stop. If he won't stop then remove yourself (and the kids if necessary) ASAP. Go to a different room, go for a drive, whatever. But ALL communications from you need to be calm - and this is easier with detachment.

Have you been able to read any of the DB books yet? Have you read Cadet's links?

Hoping you find some peace ~ MizJ

[tiredndrained]

MizJJD...you are absolutely correct in that I always react to my H. I say I won't but I always do. I don't want to but I get so upset and so angry and find myself sucked into all the BS he puts me through. I did read DR but maybe I should read it again. Compared to months ago he is nicer and home more, but to be honest, not making it much easier. Now I just feel like he is confused and leaving me and the kids in limbo. I don't see any peace until he actually makes a decision. Plus, the coming and going, even though less than before, is still a major issue. He spends money like water that we don't have. I just put up with it frankly bc it seems to be the only thing that makes him happy and keeps peace in the home. Sounds silly, right??

I'll have be creative and come up with a new name for myself. I'll get back to you with that one....lol

On the plus side, I actually got asked for drinks by a guy I know. I'm not interested in going out with anyone right now. It would just complicate things further. It did, however, make me feel a little better. Going away this week on business. Trying not to communicate too often with H and when he went out this past Sat and Sun did not ask him any questions about where he went or call or text him. I guess that is progress, right?

Does anyone know if they really ever come back? Do people live like this forever? I'm just wondering if all this waiting is just wasting time?

[Mad about Love]

Dear Tiredanddrained,
This is the millon dollar question I, you, and many like us, who choose to wait patiently...
I am just at the begining. This evening, he is sitting and chatting with me, makig cooking plans for Sunday, and this and that. Is he trying to remain friends or is he maybe very slowly.... who knows?

Stay strong. I believe you will know when to give up. But I sure hope he returns to you before that day.
Best.

[tiredndrained]

Back from my trip. Feeling sad. H didn't seem to miss me. Fri night he went out. I found receipt in house from last weekend for flowers n gift card. Flipped out on H bc it was right by the OW house. He totally denied knowing anything about it n didn't come home after that. Sat he spent day cuddling in bed w me n being nice despite my not believing his story. He left at 4 pm to get kids Easter baskets. Never heard from him again. Tried calling him all night but he didn't answer. By 6:45am i left house n snuck to store to get baskets so kids didn't get upset when they woke up. H comes in at 7:30 n actually gets upset w me bc he says he got them the baskets n i ruined it. Really?? He is so unreliable. Ask him where he was all night n refuses to say. Then later tells me he wants divorce. Says i need to move on. But..he never moves out I asked him for an explanation why he doing all this but he won't answer. Just says he unhappy but won't say why. I cried al day. I think i need to move on already. I really don't understand but i dont see him coming around. I don't want to guess where he goes anymore.

[mizjjd]

Back from my trip. Feeling sad. H didn't seem to miss me.

Did you have expectations?

Fri night he went out. I found receipt in house from last weekend for flowers n gift card. Flipped out on H bc it was right by the OW house.

TnD, I am the last person to advise on this because I personally have SUCH a hard time with ow stuff, but work towards NOT flipping out. That is the goal. No flip outs. Calm cool and collected - that's you.

He totally denied knowing anything about it

They will deny until the cows come home. Its mind boggling how they can possibly expect to be believed but they think if they deny enough that it makes it so.

Sat he spent day cuddling in bed w me n being nice despite my not believing his story. He left at 4 pm to get kids Easter baskets. Never heard from him again.

Are you okay with the cuddling? It sounds like cake eating - he gets the cuddles and the other ow too? Think carefully but I think you need some boundaries here. IF you decide to set boundaries REMEMBER.

THEY ARE FOR YOUR BENEFIT - NOT TO PUNISH YOUR H.

THEY NEED TO BE SET FORTH CALMLY.

THEY NEED TO BE ENFORCED.

Tried calling him all night but he didn't answer.

Don't do this. Its pursuit.

Ask him where he was all night

Don't do this either. Its part of detaching. If you let go of the sitch life will be easier for you. You are to live YOUR life. Treat his antics with a shrug. Much better for you if he gets the impression you are so busy with yourself that you just can't be bothered with whatever he might be up to.

I asked him for an explanation why he doing all this but he won't answer. Just says he unhappy but won't say why.

Don't do this. This is relationship talk and its a bad idea. TnD if you believe your H is in MLC then you know he doesn't have a clue why he "does all this".

I cried al day.

Its really hard painful stuff that you are dealing with. I am sorry you are going through such a rotten time. (Try not to let H see you cry- it only makes things worse.)

I think i need to move on already. I really don't understand but i dont see him coming around. I don't want to guess where he goes anymore.

How long has it been for you since bomb drop? This MLC stuff takes YEARS. Thats YEARS. And you won't last years unless you detach. When you detach you WON'T spend time guessing about where your H is because you will have filled your life with other better things.

There is NOTHING you can do to talk, snap, beg, plead, bribe, force your H out of where he is. You HAVE to let go, for yourself AND for your marriage.

Do you still have IC?

Hoping for better days for you!

[tiredndrained]

Mizjjd...thank you so much. I realize I mainly sound like I am whining a broken record. I hear everyone, acknowledge the suggestions and then continue to do the same stuff and get the same results. I find this to be such a challenge.

At this point I am just coming to the conclusion that the marriage is broken and can't see it being fixed. There is no trust which is a huge problem. Just last night he showered and shaved at 9PM and I fell asleep. When I woke at 11PM he was gone. I assumed out on a date since who shaves at 9PM? I called and he didn't respond and got so angry and then he came home a few hours later with groceries. There is just no trust there. Even if you stand and wait for the H to return, how does one find the trust they used to have again? It is so difficult.

I am seriously going back to detaching. When I did things were much better and I felt stronger. I had control which is something I have basically lost. To answer your question, in a quick sonopsis, my H "checked out" in the fall of 2011 after he closed his business. Then he was never the same. Got another job and as time passed grew angrier and angrier at me and was home less and less. Wouldn't tell me where he was going or what he was doing. Then in Aug he lost that job and that was the beginning of the end. He stopped coming home and was totally not commited to being married. Dropped the I love you but not in love with you speech..wanted space...then I found out about the OW in November. Turns out they were together for over a year. I believe first as a EA then somewhere when his job got bad to a PA although he refused to tell me anything other than what I find out myself. He just always goes back to he was so unhappy. Said I ignorned him and never gave him sex (which wasn't true). Maybe not as much as he would have liked but he worked 70 hrs per week. I get so many reasons but nothing substantial. He says that I didn't hold his hand anymore, didn't massage his back enough. He says not enough sex, and then he says we never got along. We were together for 18yrs...didn't get along? whatever!! He yells at kids constantly and tells them he hates our home and can't wait to leave. He says the same crazy stuff to them. Then he seems to feel guilty and starts trying again and then we cycle back to the same I hate it here scenario. If this goes on for years I will go out of my mind.

There is so much damage and our marriage is in shambles. He wants out but never goes. He hates the house but never moves out. He says one thing and then does another. He acts like he hates me and then cuddles in bed with me. It is exhausting. Most everyone I know tell me I'm crazy and to kick him out. I don't know why I haven't. I guess I always hold out hope he will wake up and realize what he has but that never really happens. I feel like I am a fool and most days embarrassed that I have held in there this long for someone that clearly is not interested in holding together our marriage.

I guess that is why I am still in IC. The C is making me realize that most of my problems come from the control which is what I no longer have. I just need to come to terms with the fact I need to control my own life and stop giving him the control. He's done enough damage. I think the other issue is I really have no family support, no parents to help me, nothing. I always feel so alone and when he is not leaving and running around for a brief moment things are normal in my mind. Its just that normalcy is so short lived and he really doesn't want to be with me anyway.

Thanks for the support!! I truly appreciate you listening to me and offering your advise.