Heart of the Matter

[labug]

I was caught speeding last summer with one of those photo enforcement systems. It's sort of humiliating the way they send you the picture of you caught in the act.

The picture of me is almost as bad as my DL photo, at least I wasn't doing anything embarrassing!

[labug]

Blech, I feel sad and angry, a bit embarrassed .

My H showed up at my house this morning at 8:15 to get his jack. Apparently he had emailed S20 that he would be coming and that wasn't shared with me. So here I sat in my ratty robe looking like I'd just climbed out of bed. I've worked a lot of hours this week and was just enjoying not having to be somewhere early.

He has not often communicated with me about when he's coming here and I feel disrespected by that. So I told him I would like him to let me know when he's coming like he would anyone else who he would be visiting that early on a Sat. I said I love that you come up and get S but it's helpful when I'm also in the loop. He then shifted it to say he thought S would let me know. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal and that he understood, but I could tell he was uncomfortable, not sure if he was angry. I said It's not a big deal, I'd just like to know. He then said I understand what I need to do.

S wasn't up yet and he left without him and without another word to me.

Did we fall into an old pattern? A little. I wasn't angry about it, didn't raise my voice, didn't cry just wanted to let him know what I needed, and that's difficult for me. I always feel I'm being unreasonable.

Ask me some questions, help me figure this out. I'm feeling better about it already.

[labug]

Just read cat's post to Spartan. I was reacting to the emotions of the moment.

[bustingout]

Bug I do not think you are being unreasonable to ask for a heads up. I understand your feelings though because I still struggle to ask H for those same things (please let me know when you are coming by).

Boundaries. To protect us.

What were emotions at the moment?

[jbnati]

Bug I think you're only asking for what should be common courtesy. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's just a healthy boundary.

[subguy]

Did we fall into an old pattern? A little. I wasn't angry about it, didn't raise my voice, didn't cry just wanted to let him know what I needed, and that's difficult for me. I always feel I'm being unreasonable.

What pattern are you talking about here, because I'm not seeing anything negative on your side.

What exactly upset you about this encounter? Was it the fact that he got upset when you stated your needs? If thats the case you need to let him deal with his problem and smile because you sound perfectly healthy to me.

[NLW]

Hey bug,

When I read what happened, I could imagine myself in the same circumstance.

What I would have done (and have done already with stbx) is to say what you did.

On this occasion, I would also have said - "Apart from anything else, I don't want to be caught looking like this - give me and my self-esteem a break!"

That is, I would have tried to be open and also a bit jokey and self-deprecating about it.

In other words, it's your issue too and you recognise that.

But IDK if I'm much chop in the advice department - I'm about to get D-ed after all!

[labug]

Thanks everyone, I haven't let this get to me too much past this morning. I went and visited a friend, then had lunch with some work friends. It's good to GAL.

Thanks for the reinforcement that I wasn't being unreasonable. This is a throwback for me because in the past I would bring something up, he would shut down, and that would be the end of it on his side. So I would keep talking, trying to get some kind of reaction/response and he would shut down more. This time I caught myself but it brought back some old feelings of my needs being unimportant.

I would have liked an apology but he did say he understood and he knew what he needed to do.

Not communicating with me and expecting that to be done by our sons is a pattern of H's. S20 has enough to deal with, so making him the communication go-between is unfair. How difficult would it be to send an text or email, "I'm coming up to get something from the garage. I'll be there around 8"?

NLW, you're right, I wish I could have been witty. I think most of us only have a few people we're comfortable with seeing us first thing in the morning. Of course H has seen me like that many, many times (what's 365x33 give or take a few?) but that was then. This is now. I was embarrassed, plain and simple.

I read this today and it hit the nail on the head:
The more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less you feel the need to have them approved or accepted by others.

Thanks again.

[labug]

Did some more reflecting yesterday on the interaction with H in the AM. I stay on this journey and keep coming back here because it pushes me to let go of my unhealthy, automatic ways of dealing with things.

Why was I unsettled by the interaction? Because I wasn't in control, lizard brain took over for awhile and I was on automatic. As I sat here and he walked in I could feel the adrenaline start to surge and that is my signal that I need to slow down and think. If I look around and there isn't a saber-toothed tiger about to pounce me, I need to take my reaction down several notches. It's not easy with that adrenaline surge.

So my best course would have been to remove myself from the situation and let time do it's job. The fight-or-flight would have subsided and I could have sent an even-tempered email.

What I did wasn't bad but it could have gone way off track because I was reacting and on auto. I wasn't making choices. Once in the conversation, I did make some choices: I didn't raise my voice, didn't use blaming language but could have done that part better, didn't continue to press (much), ended it quickly.

These are all big improvements for me. So I will again applaud my baby steps.

I did want to control the outcome, wanted an apology, wanted his reaction to be different but that's not mine to control. His feelings are his. I struggle with this still because I want people to like me and for years that guided my thoughts and actions and I had no boundaries.

Boundaries are difficult but necessary.

All in all, I'm OK with what happened yesterday.

[adinva]

Hi Bug! I think you did just the right thing. You didn't let it go and fester, you were moderate and reasonable in your message. You made the point clear that H telling S does not necessarily mean S will tell you, so H now knows he needs to tell you when he's coming over early on a Saturday. Well handled, IMO. When people correct us we may react with embarassment or sometimes that initial feeling they're being unreasonable that later fades. Who knows why H didn't say anything else before he left, or why he seemed possibly mad? It's his to deal with. You made a reasonable request about your home to take care of your needs, and in my opinion that's very good.

I'm struggling with the same issue here and am kind of waiting for something more formal before bringing it up. So I'm in a waiting pattern while H sometimes texts me 5 minutes before he gets there, sometimes 30, but so far it's always after I have made some other plans. I'm trying to just roll with it, but if he came first thing in the morning I'd feel intruded on and would make a request just like you did. I'm expecting that when I buy the house from H and set up a schedule where he's invited to come get the kids, his feeling of ownership that enables him to come and go as he likes will diminish on its own but we'll handle it then if it's still a problem.

Anyway, I think you did great with H there.