... there is a chance that an apology is coming of some sorts..
Val, I haven't read your entire sitch, so there's certainly plenty I may have missed. I do know that you came to the conclusion that some of XW's behavior was abusive (and wished for some acknowledgement or apology) and I know you've addressed the issue of codependency.
One thing I've picked up from Pia Mellody speaking into my ear is her conviction that, in most cases, it's a two way street. One person looks like the innocent victim, but in fact, they are "roundly abusing" the other, too. I would have had a hard time seeing it without her perspective.
If Pia's generalization is accurate in your case (I don't know) and you haven't addressed this, it may be skewing your perspective. XW may be wondering why you don't acknowledge or apologize, in the same way you wonder about her.
Even though XW is ready, if you're not, you can always ask her to tea later when you are.
Keep taking the high road and taking care of you and you'll get there.
