The View from the Blanket II

[bustingout]

Thank you so much again my dear friends. I really wouldn't know what I would do without you and this place.

I so want to be on a path to happiness. And just when I think I am getting there...my stupid ego gets in my way.

So the past week I have been in Cairo with the kids visiting my family. It was really wonderful. I really needed to be away from here and what sometimes seems like an emotional prison to me.

As I had been doing the past several weeks, I was not talking with H. And it felt really good for me to get this space.

The day we left he called the kids and wished them a good trip and then asked to speak to me and wished the same. When I arrived in Cairo I found a text asking if we had a good flight and if the kids were ok.

He called a couple of times for the kids while we were in Cairo. He sent a Happy Bday text to my dad who celebrated his bday while we were there (the last time he spoke to my dad it was the mail asking to meet him for a D). One time when I did answer his call (I was not with the kids at the time so I wanted to tell him that he can call another number to speak to them), he was polite and decent.

No expectations.

Wrong.

I thought he would have called the kids to tell them to have a safe trip as we were leaving Cairo. He did not. Fine.

When we arrived home tonight, there was nobody at the airport (H usually arranges for a car from the office to pick us up), so I texted and asked because if not I would get a taxi. This was taking too long to get a response so I called. No answer. Then I get a text...the car and driver were there just a bit late. I call again because still couldnt find car and driver and did not wish to hang around airport waiting for text response. No answer. I find car and driver, great, and then hear driver's phone ring and it is H, making sure we found each other.

Ok, nice he did this, but I was so mad that he wouldnt answer my call. My mind went spinning (he is with OW and wont answer my call...blah blah), and just wanted to tell him how rude he was. Sent a text, wish I didnt, saying not sure why you are not answering but just wanted to say I found car and driver.

Anyway, worked through it I am fine. Not a reflection of me. Next time I will handle it differently (call office directly, not H, etc). Realised I need to create new habits.

Also, and this is the real thing thats bugging me. H is arriving tomorrow. After 8 weeks. I am so tied in knots.

Am expecting him to be a jerk to me off the back of 8 weeks with OW. I am expecting a D talk and I am expecting unpleasantness. We did say that we will catch up when he returns about his new work projects and some issues about the kids.


I am just mad. No nervous...anxious...wound up. Mad that we cant get beyond this stupidity and mad that I feel OW has so much influence on him and his R with the kids. Its so sporadic. Maybe its not her, maybe its him. It upsets me. And it upsets me that he is so rude to me at his will. And I am anxious about tomorrow.

I have been journaling and going through my feelings. I have prepared responses and written how I would like to navigate the conversation about the kids.

I realise nothing can prepare me fully because i really have NO IDEA what is going on with him or in his head. I have been running on bits and pieces of things he has said over the past 2.5 years, his actions and his basic dismissal of me and the kids (although he makes more effort with the kids than with me).

I get mad when I look at my two angels and think what did they do to have to live with this heartache? Dont they deserve a second chance? Am I prolonging their heartache by not initiating a D? Can a D magically make things better?

H thinks so.

Yet, he sees very little being away all of the time. He told D5 a week ago ' I will be waiting for you at the airport when you arrive'. She was so excited. I had to tell her actually no, daddy will not be there when we get there. Of course he made sure with ME that I told D5 that he wouldnt be there. WTF. How does a D change that?

I am mad at him.

I am mad at the decisions he has made.

I am venting I know. H will see none of this.

As long as there is an OP involved there will be very little positive movement in a snitch. I get that.

I am so tired. So mad. And right now I feel like I really just dont want him in our lives. And then I think how do I navigate this so that I have a positive R with H so that he can have a positive R with the kids. Right now I feel a lot of resentment.

Let go. Let go.

Whatever he says tomorrow I will accept and, let go. What we resist, persists.

His path. His journey. He wont talk to me about our M, he wont talk to me about his feelings except to show me anger sometimes or blame me for the sitch we are in.

What are my next steps. I dont know. I remember J3b. The long-term strategy.

I feel like H can only be a good father if he loves me. As long as he doesnt love me, he stays away from us all. Like without the D he cant be a good father???? Its like he thinks its ok for him to just swoop in and out and that is ok. He has become a part time father if at all.

I feel like he has some 'plan' that I am not privy to and it pisses me off because this is my life too.

My coach spoke to me about approaching H about being partners in parenting. To ask him what he thinks about that. How he envisions that. And thats what I will do. I do believe in my heart H wants to be an involved father.

I guess tomorrow when he comes I will continue with my PMA and upbeat self, welcome him back, get out of his way so he can be with the kids and, see what this conversation will bring.

ok...enough venting for now. thank you for reading a long if you still are! Needed to let this out.

Thank you everyone.

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