what an awful couple weeks- amazing what a diffference a couple weeks can make in someone's life.
i have no idea how or if this affects H. if it mattered that i was "there". the nite his dad died- i had to go drive home (1 hr) and drop my baby neice off at home- and asked if he wanted me to come back or not - he said come. thank goodness i did - his dad died about an hour after i got there. he's never said if it makes a diference or not- i don't assume anything atny more- i can see where it was all my own assumptions and delusions of love & romance. oh well huh???
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I said despite what you believe we are not friends...I would not have a friend like you by choice, and now it's time you live by the convictions that you have strongly spewed at anyone who would listen.
i need to say this out loud also - I have said the friend prt- i believe it. he thinks we're friends. i've said to him he doesn't know what that means. i'd never treat a friend like that in a million years - and wouldn't keep anyone that treated me like it. no reply- what else???
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I am on my own journey through this with a healthy mind that in the end still holds on to L, loyalty, truth, faith and happiness, as the foundation of any R.
how true and me too - i find myself very very skeptical and untrusting tho- i hope to lose that. i guess only time will tell- between him and my mother- i feel like a damaged item myself- oh well.
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and how easy it was then to turn to another. How he enjoyed manipulating her and using her knowing he never has to answer to her,
geeez - i wonder if this is what my h feels OR THINKS? i cannot imagine- he wants IT ALL. he tells her he loves her- i could throw up-( on him please....) - failing EVER geting any feedback or insight into whether this h of mine EVER EVER EVER looks at himself and gives it a thought- probably not at all and never will tho.....
GEEEz DAWN - HOOLY CROW ALSO- WHAT A LOT OF STUFF TO digest and think about and how strong you are to know exactly what it is you want rite now- and how good that you can say all thease things to someone receptive and listening - and also him saying things that are honest and straight - instead of crappolq. i fear i'll never ever get out of the land of total bs. i am impressed by yourability to put it into words so nicely and to say them to his face. yay you.
my guy can't do honesty- to himself- to me - to anyone. he gave a lovely lovely speech/tribute to his dad at the funeral yesterday morning - not one dry eye in the place- man or woman. i found myself listening- blubbering and thinking (it's all a show). sad sad day- i went from total trust across the board - to none at all. even in the face of his crackng voice and misery- i don't trust him and what he says and shows the world. i think all calculated. i need to work on that and get back to my good ole self i used to be .
i cannot dive out of here just yet- i think i can do awhile longer. i dread going to nj- i'm still j ust "over it" with my family. i find myself wanting to tell everyone i know well that i've had it- and i want out.
somehow i am getting myself out of the caring doormat position in my famly. i am not anyone's "go between" anymore. i'm not just the dumping grounds either- i need to find my way here into a new identify. i want to be me- i think i'm nice guy- i'm done trying to help or fix it or solve it - or make it happen. do not care...
yay you- i'm soooo glad you're not having the usual dep and anxiety- i'm hopefull i get to that point. i also say yay to your feeling that the other aspects of yourlife are filling it up and he can just step aside. it's a good thing i think. i need to get busy- hopefully the job substitutin g will be something for me to get going on - and towards whatever my life will hold in the future.
i'm not thinking of big future plans-just today i'm okay- maybe it's all i get.
tht is working for me. still in shock over his dad- i've known this man and considered him family for 37 years- it's hard to let go of the "fixtures" in your life.
oh well huh? good good for you- hope all is well still today- i'm outta here. haven't done one thing in this house for two weeks- need to just sit still- take a shower- appreciate being alive and take a minute to take stock of my life and what the heck i'm doing. don't feel like packing or doing ANYTHING really- maybe i won't- we'll see.
xxoo h ope you have some moments of true pleasure and happiness today - (and every day) i'm going to go enjoy something and let my self do that.
