Stuffed up! Asked if I could go with H tomorrow when he goes bike riding and we ended up arguing. Back to square one! He is now mega pissed at me, and I'm pissed at me for pushing. He said that I can only go when OW goes so I can keep an eye on them. I tried explaining that I didn't want to go for that reason but to spend time with him with the sport he enjoys. Wrong move!
Note to self, keep mouth shut and let him get on with it! This has obviously been many steps backwards.
H agreed before Christmas to stay for 6 months. He said tonight that last October he was 100% sure that he wanted to leave, he said the other day that he is now 90% sure he is going. He is the sort of person that once he makes up his mind, he doesn't change it. Tonight he said he just doesn't want to think about it, he just wants to not think for the remainder of the 6months. He finds it easier not to think.
This is so hard!
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
Hi Stipple, just read your thread and noticed we have kids close in age and long-term marriages going south.
About the R convo above, let it go but learn from the experience. If he says no to something like that, just say OK and walk away. You aren't going to change his mind and arguing just reinforces in his mind why he wants to leave.
To show him you've changed you have to truly change, your new behaviors have to become a part of you and that takes time. Don't put yourself in a position that you can't handle without becoming emotional.
Keep reading and posting here, it will help.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, OW is in her late 30's, small built and fit! She is also a bit all over the place when in a conversation - you start on one subject, she jumps to another and back again. H rolls his eyes about this but he finds her amusing. He's a bit confused about OW at the moment, he says he doesn't know what he's done to upset her but she's not talking too much to him at the moment and when she does its about the damage he is doing to his relationship with our D still living at home.
I'm confused about physical contact. One of H complaints back at the beginning of all this was that I didn't touch him enough. After we read through 5LL we discovered that we both have physical touch and quality time as our LL. I have been giving H more back rubs, head massages, etc which he loves but he says he still finds it strange that I am doing it. Since he BD, he rarely gives me a back rub, or touches me because he 'feels guilty and doesn't think he's entitled to'. He no longer gives me a hug when he comes home from work, blows kisses down the phone, puts his hand on my knee when I'm driving, etc.
Also our SL was an issue, mostly due to me (good girls don't, too messy etc) but I have been working on that and to be honest the libido has increased greatly. Now I'm the one that is getting turned down on occasions ( and boy doesn't that hurt!!).
My reasoning is that because both of these didn't happen much beforehand, I have done a 180. I'm enjoying doing both although would like H to show a bit more enthusiasm at times. Do I continue with this? We have no other physical contact other than in our bedroom, no kisses goodbye, etc. I have mentioned it months ago to H but just got a 'its up to you, I don't feel like I'm entitled to anything' response. Mind you, I can't get him to make a straight yes or no decision about anything these days - is that 'normal' too?
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
H came home in a happy mood for motorbike riding, but it didn't last long. He did eat dinner with us and offered to wash up but after that he was withdrawn. He had fallen off his bike so I offered to rub some pain gel into it which he accepted but when I offered to rub other bits as well he turned me down because he 'doesn't deserve any'. I just shrugged it off lightly but thought afterwards that I should have said something along the lines of it was a shame because we could have had some fun.
I had a thought earlier, H mentioned the other day that OW isn't talking too much to him at the moment and when she is, she is concerned about H and his relationship with our D. I wonder if he is feeling a bit abandoned by her?
Has anyone tried St Johns Wort on an MLCer? Does it have any effect on them? H seems depressed at the moment and for the first time every he is open to taking vitamins! That's a big clue that he is not his normal self!
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
Journaling........ H came home from work last night and announced he had been texting OW and had had along 2 hour lunch with her. He said I could read the texts but to do it before our D got home from work. My blood ran cold, I thought that this was it! I jokingly asked if he was about to run off and glanced at the texts. It was just a catch up lunch in a public place ( something I have asked him to do is not go to her house for lunch). They had talked about her family issues with one of her kids, her job seeking (lost her job last week) and her now non existent relationship with her boyfriend. He mentioned later in the evening that she had asked how H and I were with our relationship. H just wanted me to get any conversations about OW and her son over with before D got home. OW has been on at him about the relationship between him and D so something must be getting through!
Later in the evening the conversation got round to us, and how H was feeling guilty. I calmly told him that I felt happier now that everything was in the open and I was fully aware that he wanted to leave the country in three years time. Regarding him feeling guilty about our sex life, I said that I was an adult, could make up my own mind, was aware of what was going on and wanted to continue so he had no need to feel guilty.
H mentioned that he can see how much work I've done on myself, but he still can't believe that I want to do some of the things that I say I want to do. I didn't make any comments about that other than to thank him for acknowledging the fact. I can understand that he may think that I've done it just to keep him. Initially it may well have been the case but as I do more I find I want to do more. I think in this case it will just be a case of time will tell. That is the only way I can show him that I'm on the way to recovering, and incidentally I'll be GALing at the same time
I also said that he was welcome to continue to live here at home if he wanted, but I wasn't asking him to, he has to make his own mind up. He said he was expecting me to tell him to leave and I said again that we were both adults, fully aware of all the facts and he could make his own mind up. I did say though that if he did decide to continue to live here there was to be no relationships with any OW or OM on both our parts. I feel that if he wants to peruse other women (other than the current one!) then he will have to leave.
And on a really good note, after rubbing in the pain gel on his shoulder it did lead to other things!!!!!! Maybe the guilt/consenting adults bit got through!
I slept well last night
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
Nothing much new has happened. I've been helping H fit out the new van for the business. We are going away camping over Easter, a first for me! Its not something I would have been able to cope with a year ago. I'm so excited but trying not to show it too much. H has mentioned that as far as camping goes it should just be steak, sausages and eggs cooked on the camp fire, followed by beers and then hit the swag under the stars. I'm trying not to make it too girly, although a few niceties will creep in - fudge and hot X buns! We are meeting up with some friends who know about the situation and are very supportive.
H offered to rub my back last night but said he wasn't interested in sex. He was still leaving. I said I was fine with that. He also mentioned this morning that he likes having a cuddle but is still leaving. I'm not sure if he means when the six months is up or in 3 years time! I am not going to ask though!
OW called round yesterday, I had offered her some watermelons. H was around when she arrived but then he left us to talk. She is having a lot of trouble with her son and drugs so we talked about that, later we went to get the watermelons and talked with H in the shed for a while.
This morning H said to me that he had finally worked out why OW hadn't been speaking too much to him. She has mentioned a few times that if H leaves me she will no longer have a friendship with him. H thinks she is beginning to let him down gently for when he leaves me! He says that's fine, he doesn't want the W or the OW!
What does go through their heads???!!!!!
Off to pack some toilet paper, not using gum leaves
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
In the past (almost) 2yrs I've been on this board, I don't think I've ever read of a LBS being chummy with the OW.
I would think this is dangerous territory. 1- As AS posted, your H will think you're giving him the green light on the emotional affair. 2- This has got to be your boundary.
You need to take care of yourself before you take care of your H.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I don't have too many concerns regarding OW. I went to see her a couple of weeks ago and told her that if she wanted H she was welcome to him. She assured me that she wasn't interested in him other than as a friend. I tend to believe her, she does have a few male friends and not many female ones so she may well be a person that relates better to men. This doesn't help the fact that H is totally head over heels about her!
We've just returned from our camping trip. I had a good time, slept under the stars for two nights, did a bit of 4WD and climbed up a rocky waterfall. All stuff that I would not of been able to do a year ago. Not a single panic attack! I am so proud of myself. I didn't manage to cook potatoes in the fire though, they ended up being shrivelled black bullets H didn't say much to me all weekend, but we were with friends who are very understanding and I was nice to be able to talk to them and vent a little when H wasn't around.
It has whetted my appetite for camping. This is definitely something I want to do again, even if I have to do it with just my dog. I'm going to do a bit of local research to see what places are do friendly and where I will be ale to do a little walking too.
Me: 49. Him: 51 M: 28 years T: 30 DD27, DD26, DD18 (still at home) Get suspicious Sept '12 World exploded 6 Dec '12
