and thank you for your posts. To answer your questions:
o after she became emotional when I said we need to do something about the sleeping arrangements, I saw her hurt and anger, and (I think) validated it by not pushing the point (demanding more, as it were), hanging my head, and being silent (I had been told not to escalate things).
o yes, I know what you mean by having a hard time to "get it", but am not sure where it leads action-wise, and exactly how I get it and know when I have gotten it.
o yes, I have a problem balancing things - W complains that I have no common sense sometimes (though not recently).
o I think my wife has strong emotional needs, particularly since I think she identifies with Anna Karenina (good movie, btw), which was her way of sending yet another message. She was reading a book a while ago called "wayward girls and wicked women", subversive tales of women.
o oh no, W is very expressive and demonstrative, not at all a purely rational person. She'll play bite your arm (or my D's now) when she feels like it, rub her bottom on you (at least she used to on me), do foolish seeming things... She seems so much more developed on this front than I am. She asked me way early in our relationship what I thought of her ML with me and I replied that she was 'carnal', by which I meant really in her body and comfortable with it.
o starting the emotional intimacy process, yes, but how? I think communication of any sort, preferably not just facts and the weather, is good... but not sure how to continue the opening process. This is typically where I feel out of my depth in friendships. I also don't want to push her, at all, on this -.
o am spending time with S - great to have him here - I told him that he was the apple of my eye when I left him at school in Scotland (and had to go back to Sweden).
o thanks, sandi, for putting your finger on my LL - that was a real bull's eye, as it is exactly how I react when I want to express my love. Will read LL book asap - hope it is on Kindle.
I have been an unobservant, unreactive, unchanging dumbell - she has been telling me what she wants so many times and I do nothing.
Yesterday, for example, when I went out to get firewood (it was in the teens here last night), she asked "I hope you are not heading out to get some herbs?" (ha ha, in this frozen wasteland).
Realization: my W likes humor (duh) and I should be humorous back! She is showing me the way, again, and now I will make a point of being humorous back, and lighten things. Cunningham says this!
She also has body language - with the typical arms crossed body block interpretable as 'I am closed - do not approach'. She is sending signals here too - and I need to pay attention.
She has an act language - for example, we just finished lunch. When she is closed off, she puts her own plate in the dishwasher; when she is more open, like today, she handed it to me to put in.
So I made the executive decision that breakfast would be waffles this morning and did so and it was good.
Realization - encroach on her body space sometimes, confidently, when working together in the kitchen. It is assertive and manly.
W was trying out a new Chopin piece on the piano when I came back from dropping D off at violin, and she had planted tomato seeds also, both good things.
I really need to be on the ball here - Mr. Bond, thanks again for the Cunningham recommendation - there are goals there -
She would not like, I think, the idea of EE, as deeply opening to others and thereby showing weakness (her interpretation) or overtly needing others is not her way, at least I have not seen it to be so. I am not planning to tell her what I am doing, but the weekly group meetings (by Skype in my case) may be a problem. Have to think how to coordinate this. Not doing EE would be a mistake, I think, though, as I have a feeling it can help me.
I have a DB coaching session on Monday. Do you have any recommendations for what to address?
How to 'get it'?
Hope you are both having a good Saturday - thanks -
L (maybe cool hand someday)
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
