Thanks JS - It is all about me. Who I want to be. What would I regret?
It has very little to do with x.
So here we go...
I am very conflicted....
On one hand - I do want to meet her. Again - I do not expect reconcile, but there is a chance that an apology is coming of some sorts.. or a possibility of a future friendship.
Otherwise what is the point. I feel like I received closure when we signed our papers. Painful and confusing yes - but there is nothing else to talk about. That was the day I buried my marriage....
... and in some ways - I see no point in rehashing or even talking about it. I see no point in us meeting unless it is to talk about a way to move forward in a positive way.. even if as friends.
but it's difficult to not turn these possibilities into expectations. The last 6 months, I have moved forward believing the door is shut. Not because I want it, but because she did.
So it's tricky to understand a positive possibility but not hope for it.
.. but I am soo scared. As much as I do not regret showing x love - it takes alot out of me. So much I have to overcome, and then I have to deal with the rollercoaster afterwards.
And time and time again - it seems to go unnoticed by x.. her actions don't change.
It's tiring. I don't do it for her but sometimes I want to shout - Come on.. can you just do the same for me???
I mean - the 6 wks after my marriage were dark days. I do not wish to go back there.
I don't blame my x for those weeks. I am and always will be my own person.. responsible for my heart and my own actions....
but do I really want to risk my heart so I can open up a possibility of a positive interaction?
Do I want to risk my heart because even though painful, I know the joy that comes along with living the high road with no regrets?
The answer should be Yes! If I believe in those things... I should act on them.....
... but so many negative feelings are getting in the way right now. The last 48 hrs have been anger.
I know this is because I have felt like I have had no voice in this whole thing, no say, no chance....
... and now because SHE is ready... we can have a cup of tea.
Ugh - I feel the anger and "victim" pose seeping out from those very words.
Can my want and need to be a best Val now.. outweigh the pain and fear that was caused then?
Honestly - I don't know.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
