Fear, what's that?

[eyesopen]

Hello all. I haven't posted in quite awhile so I thought I would drop in and give a update.

First of all I changed my name from eyesopen to Jason Bourne. I thought it was fitting since at the start of the movies he finds himself alone at sea, without a clue who he is. Much in the same way we all find ourselves after BD. As the movies progress he is on a mission to discover who he is, and how he fits in the story that is his life. Again, much like the same journey we are on. On top of it all, he kicks some major butt, while always being aware of his current reality. That is another thing that I think we all need to focus on. Not dwelling on the what if's, just continuing to move forward.

With that said I am finding myself doing well. After confronting my wife about OM, I had some pretty bad anxiety for a couple of weeks. Since then I have shifted my focus to letting her go. Something I had wanted to do so badly for so long, although I now see I wasn't ready. I still struggle with it sometimes, but I am finding it a lot easier to really embrace the 37 rules and to live by them. Thoughts of my wife, and my sitch are starting to become background music, rather than front row to a heavy metal concert.

I have been going to Seperation and Divorce Care at a local church and it has helped a ton. I am also finding more peace as I have been exploring my faith and inviting God into my life.

For the last couple of days I had been contemplating taking the reigns in the divorce process. It still isn't what I want, although I am feeling strong enough to be able to go through with it. My own fog has lifted enough to see that a key theme in alot of reconciliations is that a WAS needs to feel a loss, much in the same way we have.

So this morning when w came over for the kids, I asked her if OM made her happy. Had she answered yes, I was going to say to her that she deserves to be happy and loved, and that I think she should be with him. Also that I would speak to my lawyer and get the paperwork filed. I was ready for it. I am ready to lovingly let her go.

Of course her reply wasn't what I expected. I know, no expectations. She replied that he wasn't going to make her happy. Damn you women, you always know just what to say. She also said she wasn't sure what would make her happy and she needs to figure it out. Yeah no kidding, you need to figure it out. Anyway I am now second guessing myself on pushing the d. I do know that I will continue to focus on letting her go in the most loving manner I can.