Luke, how did you leave the conversation of sleeping in the master bedroom after she expressed her feelings? You said you thought you should retreat, but did you respond to her when she blew up about her feelings?
I think it's important to point out something. Apparently, you did not pick up on the real message in what she said. Bond spotted it immediately. After his suggestion of an apology, you struggled with writing the letter b/c you still don't quite "get it". You were trying to say what you thought Bond pointed out. But it didn't sound quite right b/c you weren't really feeling it.
I do believe that the source to much of the problems has been discovered, if you can truly be open to grasping the importance of it. As pointed out by you, it has led to this point. However, you need to really work hard to "get it", or all is lost.
And, you seem to have a problem knowing how to balance things. Do you know what I mean?
(Btw, I'm rather proud of you for backing up and saying that you weren't a bad father and that you did help around the home & with the kids. Maybe you can stand up for yourself after all. )
Okay back to your W. I think a lot of men relate being good H's with being good providers. Many men have to travel in their line of work. But this is where I see your problem.....you have trouble expressing your feelings to your W. you have problems addressing her feelings. The longer the tension grew in the MR, the more you avoided those issues. I remember when Bond was encouraging you to call, send flowers, or something......b/c you were so out of touch with her and your children, and it seemed you were on the edge of eliminating any closeness to other people. If I remember correctly, you admitted you felt awkward. So, I think I'm safe in saying that neither of you were emotionally there for each other.
It seems your love language is giving gifts b/c that's what you do to show your love. Do you know what her love language is? If you have not read the book, I encourage you to do so, ASAP.
I don't know of any woman who doesn't have emotional needs. The type conversations you've described having with your W, leaves me wondering if you believe she has such a need. She does, Luke, and if you don't fill those emotional needs, she will turn to another man, or men, to do it.
What you see as an angry, mean behaving W, is really a person crying out to you. I agree that she's not doing it nicely. But that is how women become when they don't have their needs met.
Resentment.......and tons of it, has killed any joy in your M. She's been wanting to see passion at work in you.....somewhere! She tries to make you mad, she is rude, disrespectful, cold, and. bossy (just to name a few).......and she still can't get anything out of you except meek, polite, submission. But, I have discussed that with you before, so I'll try not to keep repeating myself.
My suggestion about an apology is to first wait until you really understand why & what you are telling her...and not do it just b/c we tell you., ok? When you start to put words to that letter, think of how she "felt" when you were gone away, and when she didn't hear from you asking her questions about her day and how she "felt" about.......whatever she might have told you. Think of how she must have felt if you didn't have an intimate discussion with her. You know how you long for a physical intimacy, so think of her needing an emotional intimacy. Even if you see her as a very logical person who is unemotional and has a difficult time expressing herself with affections or emotions.......she still has the needs. You want to save the M, so you will need to take responsility to start this process. I say process b/c you have to learn as you go......applying what you learn and continue doing what worked well.
When men have emotional intimacy with the W, she usually is more than happy for him to share her bed.
I know you are excited about your S coming home. Don't be afraid to show him how much you love him. One way to break the awkwardness is practice!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
