Wife said she was done!

[Maritimer]

Bblake1968, that’s what I will do instead of getting my own account. Nothing is written on paper just verbal agreements.

Occy01 you and Grizz are correct, I have my good days and bad days. Always with a smile and a happy mindset even if it hurts on the inside. I am continuing to detach and try not to let her choices negatively affect me.

Last night she got all dolled up and went out and before that her cell was in a buzzing frenzy of texts. I am coming to terms that she will make her own choices and I cannot do much about it. I never asked where she went or what time she would be home. Me and my boys had fun with a puzzle and a wrestling match.

My biggest fear was that I would not get to see my boys when the house sells but there is no reason I cannot request 50/50 custody for my boys. Sure it will be challenging being a single father of 2 and with my recent changes I feel fully prepared to raise them equally.

I am noticing more questionable behaviors with my wife that I overlooked in the past. Yelling at the kids more frequently, apathetic, lack of emotion, ignoring there cries while continuously on facebook, going out with a new crop of friends. She is a different person of that who I married 5 years ago. The more I read up on SSRI’s and the long term effects it has, the more I am recognize she is a shell of a wife that I once knew. I really wish I can be more of a help to her with her depression but she is keeping an emotional distance from me. This will have to be a journey only she can decide if she wants to continue with. I will always be there for her and keep a loving distance for the sake of the family.

Continuing with my self improvements, and really enjoy who I have now become. Got my 3 month AA chip a few weeks ago!

[makingmagic]

congrats on the 3 month milestone! Keep it up!!

[Maritimer]

Thanks waitingformagic, I haven’t felt this good in a while!

I have a question about cake eating and cheeseless tunnels..

Even with all my positive changes I don’t think she is responding to them positively. Is this a cheeseless tunnel or is it that it will take more time before she believes it is a permanent change. I really don’t know what else that I can do differently except to inquire why I feel she is still angry with me. I think that might come off as perusing which is a DB no no. When I say goodbye she just hangs up with no ending words. Same behavior when she leaves or when she goes to bed. It feels rude and even though I don’t show it , it hurts. I understand her right to be angry but to be mean is just not fair. We will have a lifelong connection because of the kids, I want it to be as civil as possible.

I done a complete 180 on all the negative aspects of my life and marriage. Could it be that she is angry that I have made positive changes? Do she want to be perused? Is she confused with what she want to do?

My therapist suggest because I stepped up so much she hasn’t thought about how much different it would be with me out of the picture. He feels she is taking advantage of the situation (cake eating). I do most of the cleaning, cooking, pay the bills, and take care of the kids while she goes out. I enjoy doing these things. He thinks I should talk with her about how the future would look without me in the picture but I am not comfortable doing that.

I think I need a DB reality check!

[movingon-1968]

I have a question about cake eating and cheeseless tunnels..

Even with all my positive changes I don’t think she is responding to them positively. Is this a cheeseless tunnel or is it that it will take more time before she believes it is a permanent change.

Could very well be there have been very minor changes you just may not have noticed. Remember, DR states that if the changes appear to not be working, don't be afraid to go back and tweak them a bit. But even slow progress is still pogress.

I really don’t know what else that I can do differently except to inquire why I feel she is still angry with me. I think that might come off as perusing which is a DB no no.

Yeah, it's a no-no...

When I say goodbye she just hangs up with no ending words. Same behavior when she leaves or when she goes to bed. It feels rude and even though I don’t show it , it hurts. I understand her right to be angry but to be mean is just not fair.

^^^Agreed. Been there, done that. But really, there's not much you can do except put up with it for now. My W said some very hate filled things to me and the D's. Things have gotten better, but, still nowhere near where I would prefer. And in my sitch, it's probably too little, too late for me.

We will have a lifelong connection because of the kids, I want it to be as civil as possible.

That is completely in your power. At some point she WILL realize it's in the best interest of the kids for you two to get along. This will take some time...

I done a complete 180 on all the negative aspects of my life and marriage.

Are you sure? Did you address all of her concerns? Did you identify others that YOU didn't like, or maybe some that other may have pointed out?

Could it be that she is angry that I have made positive changes? Do she want to be perused? Is she confused with what she want to do?

You can ponder these questions all you want. The end affect will be that you have driven yourself crazy, and for no good reason. It's really not worth it. I spent months trying to figure these very questions out, and when I finally stopped is when I found some peace of mind...

My therapist suggest because I stepped up so much she hasn’t thought about how much different it would be with me out of the picture. He feels she is taking advantage of the situation (cake eating). I do most of the cleaning, cooking, pay the bills, and take care of the kids while she goes out. I enjoy doing these things.

Same here and I continue to do so. For no other reason than to prove to myself daily, that I can get along without her. It's helped me become FAR more independent than I was before. And she may be taking advantage of it. Or she may think by not doing anything you're making up for the time when you didn't help around the house - sort of a punishment. Or she may think you're just trying to overcompensate for not having help as much before BD and is trying to make a point.

But, in the end, you'll never really know, so does it really matter? The work still has to get done.

He thinks I should talk with her about how the future would look without me in the picture but I am not comfortable doing that.

I think I need a DB reality check!

You could try - but I wouldn't. She might look at it as if you're trying to convince her how great you are and that she can't get along without you. Would you be willing to risk the inevitable backlash from that?

[MrBond]

Everything you described is just par for course. Most, if not all, WAS's act like that. They will be rude or angry at you for no apparent reason. That's why you need to concentrate on you and not wonder why they are acting the way they do.

[Maritimer]

Thanks Bblake1968 and MrBond, I needed that bit of reinsurance.

I have to accept the only thing I can do is to continue to improve on myself and not to allow her to get the best of me.

She was angry last night and when she discovered I was not going to engage with an argument she requested we drop the house price by 10%! I never validated this. Should I? I strongly disagree because its a big chunk of change.

Afterwords she went on the computer (open screen in the living room)and proceeded to chat with 2 guys and kept looking back to see if I was noticing. I never showed any reaction and continued to play with our son. Feels like she is going out of her way to hurt me. If i am writing about it I guess it did bother me but I never let her see that it did.

Continuing my best to lovingly detach...

[movingon-1968]

I have to accept the only thing I can do is to continue to improve on myself and not to allow her to get the best of me.

It's not easy, but, that really is the only approach.

She was angry last night and when she discovered I was not going to engage with an argument she requested we drop the house price by 10%! I never validated this. Should I? I strongly disagree because its a big chunk of change.

I wouldn't engage in an argument over it. But, you could give her a chance to state her reasons why she feels it's a good move (I do not know from your post if you did), as that would at least give the appearance that you care about her opinion. If you just didn't respond or ignored her that's not conducive to progress at all.

Afterwords she went on the computer (open screen in the living room)and proceeded to chat with 2 guys and kept looking back to see if I was noticing. I never showed any reaction and continued to play with our son. Feels like she is going out of her way to hurt me. If i am writing about it I guess it did bother me but I never let her see that it did.

It does seem like she was trying to make you jealous, but, that's really just mind reading. It's best to not acknowledge it and carry on with what you are doing - and do it happily. You have to convince her you're ready to move on. But you need to be prepared for that yourself...

[ForeverYoung]

Afterwords she went on the computer (open screen in the living room)and proceeded to chat with 2 guys and kept looking back to see if I was noticing.

I don't see why you should have to put up with this. You could set a boundary on it. I'm pretty sure that's what I would do in this situation.

Chatting with other men in my presence is disrespectful to me and our marriage, and will not be tolerated by me.

There has to be a consequence for her failure to comply. Cut off one benefit or another that you are providing. Think hard on this before proceeding, because you MUST hold to your consequence or your boundaries mean nothing, and have no power.

First, I would ask.

Are you chatting with other men? Do you know that is disrespectful?

If this doesn't stop the behavior then you move to TELL:

I would really appreciate it if you did not do that in my presence.

If this doesn't stop the behavior then you move to REQUEST w/consequence.

If you continue to do that, then... <your consequence> ...and follow through. Every time.

[adinva]

Usually, with boundaries, consequences are something you will do to protect your boundary, not a punishment to change her behavior. She has free will to behave how she wants, and you have free will to take actions to honor your boundaries.

So, if you continue to do that, then I will... needs to be something that is objective and purposeful. Maybe, turn off the router during evenings. Maybe, remove the computer from our living room. I can't think of any other good ones, maybe someone else can. But a proper boundary is about what you will accept and what you will do to maintain that. It's not about trying to modify her behavior and punishing when you don't get your way. It's about modifying your environment that you have to live in so that it is not intolerable for you.

[ForeverYoung]

I see your point adinva, and agree it shouldn't be about "punishment", but even your suggestions can be seen as that. Him leaving the area wouldn't be a punishment, but why should he have to do that? To me, there has to be a safe "No OM Zone" in his home. On this I would stand firm. If she doesn't like it, she can leave.

Bottom line is it is very disrespectful behavior. No way would I put up with that in my face.