Thanks AS for the post and I hear what you're saying. I know I haven't detached enough and I know it's something I need to do better. My issue is it's very hard to do 100% of time when living with the person while trying to show them the new you (listening better, WOA, more caring, etc...). These things aren't easy to show in a meaningful way fully detached, especially while living together.
Could I have done better, hell yes. I knew I wasn't even close to perfect in this facet by any stretch. It's one of the reasons I seriously considered S a couple months ago because I thought that would make it easier. When I'm honest I also know I didn't want to detach. Everyone can hit me with 2x4's for this because I should know better but deep down I didn't want to and wasn't ready to fully let go. I wasn't there yet in my growth. I wanted to keep some closeness, call it a false hope, call it my stubbornness, whatever. As I've been told several times on and off these boards, we find out things when we're ready to deal with them. Maybe this is the thing I needed to take the next step and fully detach.
The friend thing...
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Thing last night that I came to realize the more I thought about it was the play date didn't bother me much. The issue is her total disregard for my feelings, or anyone else's, through this process.
She's been on several play dates with other dads that I never had an issue with. This one is a little different due to many other circumstances I haven't discussed on the boards. This hurt but it isn't the only thing that drove me to saying that comment, it was more the last straw. There have been MANY things over the last several weeks building up to this. My friends off the boards have been keeping me in check. The thing that drove the comment yesterday was the way she told me who she was with. It's the constant disregard for my feelings, our kids feelings, my family's feelings, and our friends feelings. Those are the reason that I don't feel like it's possible to remain friends at this time. I hope and pray things change and we can be friends but I have to protect myself and the people I care about.
If she doesn't change and continues doing the things she's currently doing I don't want to be her friend. Besides co-parenting I have no room for her in my life. I wouldn't accept any friend that constantly lies (and admits it without remorse), disregards feelings, and continually commits to things and no shows or shows up late without a call.
Right now I can say I may entertain the possibility of R with W and will likely never lose hope but it isn't my top goal. May not be 'expected' thing to hear on a DB board but it is what it is. This is a change that's been slowly coming the last month or so. My kids are REALLY struggling with how mom is treating me and them. My #1 goal is to protect them as much as possible while not damaging their R with their mom. My other goals are to: Continue to work on my and become the person I want to be Go through this process with dignity, loyalty, and love and show my kids a good example Protect myself and kids in the likely event the D becomes final Somewhere after that would be R with W.
•Do I want to R with her? Maybe. •Do I need to R with her? No (a big change in me is that while I WANT my W in my life I don't NEED her in my life). •Do I need to protect my kids and myself? Yes. •Do I need to detach and give it up? YES!!!
My 48 hour decision that I'm heavily leaning towards now is to detach fully. As I said, conversations would be 'boys and bills' only. In no way am I throwing in the towel, moving out, pushing D quicker, or anything like that. I'm still standing.
Next mediation in a month and supposed final court date according to her L at the end of May.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
