Looking for a little advice and support

[cbtdad]

Just doing a little venting, because its not like I can vent to my wife about this.
So today was my S Easter party for school. I took pictures and a video an texted it to W. She has been gone since Sunday morning in Florida looking for a new horse. I've talked to her a couple of times and each time I could tell she was absolutely exhausted and stressed out. Here are my frustrations.
I think this is too long to be away from a 3 year old
- since Wed night he has constantly been saying I want mamma
She didn't even call at all yesterday to talk to him or Tuesday same thing.
It drives me crazy. The fact that she can put all this effort and so much energy into finding a horse, but won't put any effort to try and make this marriage work.
When I sent her the pics and video this morning she responded with "where are y'all?" She knew about this party, but its not even on her mind. My S was so grumpy and didn't even participate in all the activities. It's so hurtful to watch him hurting. This is the one thing that I won't put up with. If we work on reconciling an she won't get her priorities straight then it won't work because I won't want that. It just [censored] because I can't force her to do anything and my 3 year old has to suffer as well. Ugh!!

[makingmagic]

UGH... I hear ya cbtdad. She is behaving selfishly, and I think its awful that she isn't paying attention to your S3. Her priorities are clearly mixed up. .... sorry for you. (HUGS)

[AnotherStander]

It's fine to vent and you said that's what you were doing, so no problem there. Just keep in mind that there are things you can control (YOU) and thinks you can't control (YOUR W). So focus on what you can control and detach from what you can't control. Because if you're detached, then this:

I think this is too long to be away from a 3 year old

And this:

She didn't even call at all yesterday to talk to him or Tuesday same thing.

And this:

The fact that she can put all this effort and so much energy into finding a horse, but won't put any effort to try and make this marriage work.

Will have ZERO impact on you, and will not do this:

It drives me crazy.

I don't think we can ever post this blurb on detaching (by Peanut) enough around here:

II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

You are taking everything she says and does personally. Your ego is getting wounded by her actions. You cannot control her, but you CAN control how you respond to her. Are you meeting her actions with love, understanding and acceptance or with bitterness, anger and frustration? One is detachment, the other is attachment/ codependence.

[cbtdad]

I vent here:)
But when it comes to her AS I have been extremely supportive while she is gone.
Text exchange earlier:
M: Since its official does that mean y'all leaving today?:)
W: Yes
M: Cool
Well I'm sure you will be getting home very late then. Sleep as much as you want tomorrow. I know you are absolutely worn out.
W: Ill let you know when I get closer. I miss my boy! Thank you much for helping me through this this week
M: you are welcome. He misses you very much as well. I'm just happy this stress will be off the plate. I'm proud of how you handled it and took your time and didn't rush into it.
W: Thank You

[cbtdad]

I definitely am still having backslides worrying about how she will react to things. I've come a long way, but still have a lot way to go.
Patience! Patience! Patience!

[cbtdad]

W is back from Florida. She got back last night and came straight to my apartment to see son. She seemed like a lot of stress had been removed. She stayed for an hour mostly talking to me. I told her about the new job and she said, "good now that you have decided I can tell you that's what I was hoping you would do"
I'll take that as a good sign. Anyways, told her I would let S stay the night at my apartment so she could sleep in. So S and I brought her a late breakfast at 1030 this morning and the first thing he wanted to do was bring him and I to barn to meet me horse. We spent the last few hours together and everything is good, still awkward silent moments here and there, but overall fine.
I am not bringing up any R talk at all. I did bring up Easter next weekend and I asked what her plans were. She said she figured I was goin to my moms and I said yes. I told her my mom wanted her to come as well and that we were planning to go Saturday night and that she could stay at my grandmothers and I would stay at my moms. She said she would let me know, but that she will probably do that. W and I are goin to see cousins new baby tomorrow so we will e together majority of day tomorrow as well. I also ended up taking S again today for a few more hours so she could nap. She wanted to bring him back around dinner time and she said she would get Chinese.
So overall things seem alright, but there is definitely that spark missing as far as conversations. Can't put my finger on it, but at least we are able to spend time together

[2chiquitos]

Hi cbtdad,
When H n I had quiet awkward moments I used them as an opportunity to meditate. This helped because I would be so caught up with my meditation that H would start the conversation. (mostly I was the one who hated the silence, now I'm ok with it ;-)

[cbtdad]

I appreciate the advice. I am definitely the one who struggles with it!
Especially given the situation in our relationship. I feel myself so badly wanting to bring up R talk, but will absolutely not do that. I don't want to start from the beginning again. Lol

[cbtdad]

Very interesting day. Had a conversation with W at end of day that I will share when I have a chance tomorrow. Lets just say I confirms so much of what the "experienced" people on this board say

[cbtdad]

So yesterday the W and I went to my cousins house,that we're also good friends with, to see their new baby. I picked her and son up around 1030 and didnt get back home till 9pm. Its an hour drive so I knew there would be a lot of time paid attention not to bring any R talk up and not too really bring any conversation up and let her dictate things. On the way there things were pretty quiet. Just a little chit chat. We spent about 8 hours at cousins house and I made sure I gave her space. One intersesting thing that happened while we were there is that we were riding around neighborhood with our son on a ATV and I showed her the house across the street that my Aunt wants us to buy. I joked with W and said maybe now isnt a good time. LOL
she said, that house is a little too close for comfort, however this one over here might good for us. Hmmmm.. I didnt say anything just laughed. Yesterday was a kind of therapy or couseling that you cant buy. It was my cousin, his wife, the two of us and my aunt and unlce. My Aunt and Uncle separted in the earlier 90's for 8 months and now they are one of the happiest couples you will ever see. Also my cousin and his wife never separated, but they definitely went through some tough times and my cousin really turned things around and became a better man and father and now they are doing great. So us being in the enviroment and her getting to see the family interaction and happiness I think really helps things out. Now on to the drive home.
Son fell asleep almost immediately when we got in car. So she began talking about her trip to Florida and how everything went and I just listened and reaffirmed things she said. At some point and I really don't remember how it came about, but she said something to effect of maybe an epiphany would hit her on the head and she would do what she needs to do. I just let her go from there and she began talking about me being alone with our S all week and asked how did that go. I told her we had a great time, but it was hard to juggle work and being a parent at the same time. I told her I respect working single parents out there big time now. I asked her which one she thought was easier and her response was I definitely think being married is a lot easier raising children, but we shouldnt stay married just because its easier. I said, "I totally agree. You don't stay married just for the sake of the children, but I believe you do try everything to make it work for the sake of the children"
So that got her talking. She said she was really happy with the way things are right now. She began to say that she worries that will get upset because her trying is different than mine. She said the first couple of months her trying was just giving me time. She couldnt talk about anything becuase "I wanted to just stab you in the face. I was so angry about everything"
I told her I understand, thats why I was fustrated at first because she said she wanted to try, but wasnt doing anything. But when she told me Superbowl SUnday that she just wasnt ready then that made a whole lot more sense. I told her that I was in no rush to when she wanted to work on things. She began saying that she sees a lot of poistive changes in me. She said the first month or so she thought it was totally about me just getting her back. I validated that comment and told her I could understand why she would think that. She then referred back to our one couseling session that we had and that she told the the counselor it would be 6-8 monthe before she could even BEGIN TO BELIEVE the changes could be real. Not 6-8 months before she believed them. She made that very clear. She said her concern is that I would do everything for that time period no matter what just to "win"
She said she thinks even if she said a year and a half that I would do everything I could during that time, but that it would be just to win. Her concern is that after a year or 2 back together that I would just revert to old ways once "I got her back" I just told her I understand why she would feel that way, but that I was working on becoming a better man and father regardless of what happens with us. She then said something very interesting. She said that she would rather things continue the way they are for 1-2 years than to just rush back into things and then have them fall apart all over again. SHe could not handle that. One thing she did say that really caught my attention as well was that even though she worries about me changing just to get her back she does believe and have hope otherwise she would just be moving on with her life.
Overall it was such a positive conversation and I learned so much about where she was and what her thoughts were at the moment. It really is all about time and changing to become a better person. The bottom line is she wants things to work, but she just doesnt trust that things are comletely different yet and that is going to take time.
It is very frustrating on my end because I want start going to a counselor now and work on things, but she just isnt ready for that. I want to hang out with her more and do things to show her, but she just isnt there yet.
This is really teaching me patience!!