I then said I might be done trying to be friends because my friends don't continuously hurt me (she's said/ done other things last few days to me and kids).
Let me ask you this, if a good friend of yours came up to you and told you they took their kid on a playdate with a coworker and their kid, would your reaction have been different? Point being, it doesn't make sense to tie those two together. Why would the play date be grounds for stopping your friendship with W? I think you're not looking at the R as friendship, you have greater expectations and maybe you shouldn't for now. The bigger issue here is you are still not detached! Let's look at Peanut's detachment description again:
Quote:
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
You're still reacting to your W's actions with anger, bitterness and frustration! If you can detach, you will instead meet HER anger, bitterness and frustration with love! That's where you need to be. As an example, my W took the kids to the beach over Spring Break. When they got back I was asking about what they had done and S10 showed me a balloon animal, I asked him if W bought it for him and he said no, OM (suspected) had. Oops! W was quick to point out that OM wasn't on the trip with them, but he was working in a city on the way back and they had lunch with him. But here's the thing, I didn't care. And I don't mean to say I acted like I didn't care, I mean I really didn't. I didn't dwell on it, I just asked what else they had done. That is detachment, and now that I am detached I can say that there were a lot of times that I -thought- I was detached when I really wasn't. When you well and truly are detached your w's actions will not hurt you in the least.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
She started getting angry and I stopped her and said this isn't about a play date or some guy, this is about your lack of regard for my feelings. Then I walked away.
I know it's tough and certainly I've had my share of falls, but brother, you've got to stick with the plan if your goal is reconciliation. The plan calls for constant PMA. Don't instigate a fight! Don't let her actions get under your skin! Pull back, detach, leave her to sort it out for herself. You say she started to get angry and you stopped her, what is anger? It's an emotion. What are you supposed to do when your W expresses emotions? Encourage her to talk about them and then validate her! Her lack of regard for your feelings? What about your lack of regard for hers?? You walked away, what does that tell her about what you think about her feelings? Sorry for the 2x4's, but sometimes we (me included) need someone to remind us of the basics.
Quote:
I'm also trying to process my next actions. 48 hour rule is in effect and won't make any decisions until that is up.
Your next action is blatantly obvious, and it's going to take a lot longer than 48 hours. DETACH!!!!! You absolutely are in no position to make any decision about your R until you are fully detached.
