Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[MrBond]

"DBing requires me to give W space."

No it doesn't. This is usually at the beginning of the bomb drop. You've been at this for 9 years. AND one of the biggest issues in your M was abandonment.

Your W has told you time and time again that she wants a man who will fight back. As well as act more "manly". That is what you need to do. Quite frankly, you're lucky your W hasn't cheated on you.

I'm sure you were a good father. I was more interested as to how you RELATED to your children and your W. In all those years, you only sent one telegram and a few messages here and there?

The things is that you have to strip down your problems to the bare minimum to see how to build them back up.

[MrBond]

BTW, as for the EE workshop. I encourage you to be optimistic BUT don't go in with expectations of changing for life. I think based on your past, you may end up being disappointed if it isn't as life affirming as you keep telling yourself it is. Go in with no expectations and just experience it.

Also, you don't need to tell you family about this if you don't want to. If your MIL asks, then you can fill her in ONLY if you feel like it.

[LuckyLuke]

Morning Mr. Bond,

Thanks for your post. I don't think EE will be life affirming, but perhaps I will make some supportive friends, and maybe get a mirror to improve myself with. Beyond all of you here on DB, that is!

I was wondering about the abandonment thing versus space - so that means I fight back when appropriate - not doing so would only drive her away - and live Cunningham.

My W did cheat on me, briefly, in 2005. I confronted her then.

Back to cleaning -

Luke

[adinva]

Luke. I have felt like you, nothing ever gets better. That's more about you than what's around you. More Pooh less Eeyore. EE sounds like something that could help you find hope.perhaps a sense of more Control over your emotions and your destiny. If you end up divorced from your wife but can learn how to pick yourself up again you actually could be a really great husband to another woman who you could be genuinely happy with, and that's your worst case scenario. You may be dragged kicking and screaming into change but that change can be for the good IF you let it.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Adinva,

Yes, the two people I have had contact with (PON and another guy, whom I skyped with) about EE said really good things about it. I particularly hope to find out more about being a man, from other men. Both mentioned that EE was good for their recovery and personal development, so all systems are go for it. Interestingly the one guy, who I instinctively liked, said that it was useful and great but emotionally draining, and that he slept a whole day following it.

Thanks for writing "If" instead of when, btw -

Luke

[MrBond]

"My W did cheat on me, briefly, in 2005. I confronted her then. "

Are you talking about when she cheated on you a few days before you were about to get married? OR was this a different time?

[ThisDayForward]

Luke EE isn't some magical force of power. Like in everything in life you get what you put into. Bravo for signing up. My only suggestion is to "Trust the process" and do your work.

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond, PON,

Another time, 2005ish, in Germany, a short A. She gave me a shopping list, presumably written on purpose on the back of a letter to the OM, which is how I found out. I confronted her, and she said it is over. Do not remember details.

She also separated from me while we lived in Germany, getting her own room for a while, twice. I was invited over frequently.

PON, I don't expect EE to be magic, but I do expect to put a lot into it and hopefully develop somehow. So far the people have been very good, and in any case, something has to change and so maybe this will be helpful.

Luke

[ThisDayForward]

Luke, good . My EE experience was great but I did and continue to do my work

[LuckyLuke]

Hi PON, just chatted with another EE person, very good communication. It sounds like you really get to know people and share and can develop in a safe way.