I told you I could and would entertain and explore the idea of codependency as it might relate to me and my sitch.
I also told you that I am not interested in attending alanon. I think I said this THREE times.
It seems you interpreted my responses as hostile. Not my intention. I had hoped to come across as firmly saying "No thank you." I was setting a boundary.
Admittedly, I'm lacking in practice at "boundary setting". It seems to have worked slightly better with my H than with you.
But, I'm an optimist so I'll give it another go.
codependent? Maybe, I'll look into it. Thanks for the suggestion.
Alanon or other group or 12 step program? No thank you.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Hi, I have spent some time wondering whether to post to you or not. This is not to suggest that you go to an Alanon meeting. I have no experience of this.
I write to offer my own experience of co-dependency. I believe that people sliding into MLC subtly change the basis of the marriage, but so slowly that we don't/didn't realise what was happening. Some of the marriages described here clearly always had co-dependent elements, but many appear to have been healthy functioning relationships for many years. Thus we are blindsided by the bomb.
I strongly resisted the idea that my marriage ever had co-dependent elements. I looked at my family and my kids, and saw none of the classic signs, but when I started to think more clearly about the years leading up to the bomb I can now (many years on) see that my xh became/revealed an underlying co-dependence.
We cannot post links here to other sites, but there is a particularly good one that addresses how co-dependents finish relationships that aren't working for them, and it looks like classic MLC bomb drop. They can't do it responsibly with concern for the feelings of the other. There is blame for the spouse, and often a denial of feelings that we know they experienced.
But co-dependents want to keep everyone in the drams. So your spouse is almost certainly co-dependent, and could well have been sucking you into the vortex of co-dependency. It took me years to understand the full extent of my own co-dependency, and how subtly it had stolen into our long relatinships. What I thought of as sturdy interdependence, which characterised the early years, I now see had slowly shifted, until I believed that my happiness depended on him, and that I couldn't be happy without him. This is exactly what the cd person wants.
But (and this is just my musing here) as their cd deepens, they require someone more needy than we are, so they find that person and drop us, leaving us feeling shattered.
However, as many have noted, even if they run hard and fast they cannot totally leave us alone.
I am not presuming to say that you were cd, but your spouse almost certainly was, and you may have responded without realising it. I am suggesting this because finally acknowledging what had happened helped me to move on with my own journey. I was happily lost in my marriage, and so when my h left me it felt as if my world had ended and I would never be OK again. Part of this is normal grief, but some of it, I slowly came to realise, wasn't healthy at all.
The whole codependency scheme seems like a vortex - from what I can tell of it.
Not sure if you've followed me from the beginning, but my M was NOT one of the "blindsided" sort. I was indeed shocked at the EA, and stunned by H's beliefs about me and our R. But things had only worked for so long, I believe, because of my conscious decision to be "compliant" during the early years of our M.
There are those who insist I did this out of "fear". I can't discount this opinion entirely, however, I would remind them that at the time I was mom to 4 children under the age of 5. I do not have a high paying job - or resume to attain such. My H had children from 2 prior M's, none of which he paid support for. One does what one feels one has to - especially for one's children.
Now, post bomb, I have some concerns financially but soon the last 2 of the 4 will be 18. This means I no longer have to sacrifice out of fear for my kids continued support. Without the bomb, I would no doubt have continued with the compliance, the status quo -at least for a fair amount of time. But the bomb has freed me from that. Of course, after 2 decades of compliance, I have become rusty at certain skillsets. And am rediscovering "who" I am, and what I would like to do. Sometimes this is fun, sometimes its overwhelming.
Regarding my H, well its a funny thing. We are having to establish new roles for ourselves. I told him in the last R talk that his concession about ow only changed the here and now. He was maybe surprised to hear this, to hear that I agreed that "this doesn't really change anything". He clings to the idea of remaining together until the twins turn 18 - I told him "maybe".
Little thing that happened this morning - I offhandedly asked H to make me breakfast.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
AND HE DID. Does this mean anything? Probably not, but its definitely something new from H. (I tried not to appear too shocked lol. Thanked him sincerely and went to take my shower.) And new from me too - I am not in the habit of asking H to do things for me because for years and years he wouldn't. And often would scorn the very idea.
I've only just started looking at cd - will google what you hinted at and see how it fits in with H and me. Thanks again for stopping by.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I apologise for not reading your history before weighing in. I think the desire to hold together a marriage for the children and ourselves is a strong driver for many of us here.
One of the things I particularly liked about the website I referred to was that it cautioned against putting a label on the behaviour because the emphasis is in changing ourselves, and whether or not you ultimately decide that this was you, you are clearly in charge of the situation and are making changes in yourself for which I salute you!
I think you are a very strong woman with a talent for making difficult situations work for you.
I'm glad to see that your daughter has a job! A step in the right direction. How is she going to get to work and home? Public transportation?
Oh no! I'm sure your h was furious about the minor accident. Thank goodness everything is okay. I'm sure your son was upset and hopefully he's okay now.
Enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
IDK about D18's transportation - will have to take it day by day. There is no public transportation from our small town to the city where she will be working. It is however, where the boyfriend lives... have to see how it all plays out.
Yes, he was fuming! Practically spitting mad lol.
Son was chagrined, but I think all will recover - and now we have a funny story to tell
You have a good weekend too. Take care!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Always nice to have a funny story. I think this post has a lot in it! Worth re-reading:
Quote:
Not sure if you've followed me from the beginning, but my M was NOT one of the "blindsided" sort. I was indeed shocked at the EA, and stunned by H's beliefs about me and our R. But things had only worked for so long, I believe, because of my conscious decision to be "compliant" during the early years of our M.
There are those who insist I did this out of "fear". I can't discount this opinion entirely, however, I would remind them that at the time I was mom to 4 children under the age of 5. I do not have a high paying job - or resume to attain such. My H had children from 2 prior M's, none of which he paid support for. One does what one feels one has to - especially for one's children.
Now, post bomb, I have some concerns financially but soon the last 2 of the 4 will be 18. This means I no longer have to sacrifice out of fear for my kids continued support. Without the bomb, I would no doubt have continued with the compliance, the status quo -at least for a fair amount of time. But the bomb has freed me from that. Of course, after 2 decades of compliance, I have become rusty at certain skillsets. And am rediscovering "who" I am, and what I would like to do. Sometimes this is fun, sometimes its overwhelming.
Regarding my H, well its a funny thing. We are having to establish new roles for ourselves. I told him in the last R talk that his concession about ow only changed the here and now. He was maybe surprised to hear this, to hear that I agreed that "this doesn't really change anything". He clings to the idea of remaining together until the twins turn 18 - I told him "maybe".
That seems a very healthy way to handle things and look at oneself to me.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
That seems a very healthy way to handle things and look at oneself to me.
AJ
Thank you for the vote of confidence AJM!
It is definitely a work in progress though - and some days (weeks?) are better than others. In thinking about it today, I likened it to learning to ice skate. (Something I never did master.) Prebomb I was on the wall, the M was on the wall AND on thin ice to boot.
Now, I can see the cracks in the ice which need to be avoided and realize I need to LET GO OF THE WALL. But I'm fairly wobbly so every now and again I THINK to reach for the wall - but then I remember that the wall isn't really very reliable and that I'll never become a better skater if I don't learn to balance on my own.
Other than analogies, what do I have to report...
D18 has a car!
S20 paid his license reinstatement fee and should get his license in the next 10 days!
Its ridiculously cold and we're expecting a fair amount of snow!
H is off doing his thing.
Oh yes! a 180 for me
H and I were in the laundry room this morning which he observed was a mess. (He is right on that score.) He did his usual start in of how this and that needed to be done. I agreed and said, "those are good ideas but I won't have the time to do that today because I have to go to work. Would you like to stay home from gambling and take care of it?" (All sweetness and light was I )
He paused for about 20 seconds and just looked at me. I smiled inquiringly.
"No, I don't think so."
"OK. Well maybe you'll have time later this week." Another smile.
And that was that.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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