Today H came by to pick up stuff for his race. He hung with the kids for a bit. I was in my bedroom folding laundry. He came back and was chatting and randomly says "well, I'm going move move bank in when my lease is up." I was caught off guard, like way off guard. I gave him a sideways look and said "oh are you." he said pretty much that yes, and he will stay at least until the baby is 4-6 months old regardless. I very calmly said "well, you decided to truly end it with OW & agree to the things you weren't ready to before?" he said well, so you want to deal with 3 kids all week & be away from the baby on the weekends. I said "no, That is not what i want. But that doesn't change anything."
I saw that tatic a mile away. But know in my heart what I want. He surprised me by not flipping out. I had braced myself. He got quiet. He started saying how much he hates himself & that I really should just leave him. It really wasn't in a poor me, make my wife feel sorry for me. It was like his whole body went limp. I know he does hate himself. He said that he wants to just die. And that he looks at his life. Great kids, an amazing wife, a great job, his health a new baby on the way, and how his life is perfect. Nothing is wrong. But He just can't act how he wants. Then he said how sick of hearing this I must be. I said "you talk all you want. I'm here to listen." And I did.
I feel strangely calm. Today I am sad for my friend. He is in pain. All these years the pain of watching him drink himself silly, bury his parents, the joy of being sober, in love and becoming a father. But there was always a sadness, an "im not good enough", this little 5 year ild boy who just wanted someone to wisk him out of the crazy & love him. I spent years trying to heal that pain. He spent those years trying to let me, and ignoring it. Today I know, that I can't fix it. I can't do this for him. The best thing that I can do for him, is let him do it. Let him go. He has a god, and it's not me. So, yes, right now I have tears. But not for me. I pray more than anything that he can find peace. I don't know that I will be his W for the rest of this journey & I don't know that I won't. I just know that I will continue to speak my truth. I'm in pain too, so I need what I need to heal me as well.
New GALs -do at least 1 race a month until I can't run (hoping to make it to 36 weeks) -finish charcoal drawing of the kids -start going through the tubs of S3's clothes for the baby -get a fun book to read.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
