New Club Member Here!

[Pathfinder2]

you mentioned at first, on Monday, that your coach told you NOT to withdraw and then later the same day

you posted this:


I've read about some of you going silent for months. I'm thinking of going silent except to respond to her contact for the remaining 9 days of my trip. Yeah, I know! This is different for me. Figured I would "press to test".

When doing DR, how long were you guys implementing changes before changing things up again?


How long before we changed things up? You have not done a single course of action for 90 days...

25, you are absolutely right. I haven't done anything consistently different for 90 days. I think I was afraid that if my wife felt I was there for her at all times I would be perceived as a "lap dog". I have a tendency to be a person of extremes. It's either all "on" or all "off". No modulation. This is something I need to work on. I am going to sit down and craft a game plan for my communication with her while I am on trips. A plan that shows her I am available when she needs me, but I am not smothering her.

I mean, if you could tell immediately that some behavior was hurting things, then change. If you are not sure then first make sure your change is clearly being made and then give it time for her to trust that it's real. THEN she can see how she feels about it.

I guess I haven't given anything enough time because of my impatience. I have backed off a lot on my communication with her already, but I think I have been expecting to see positive results too soon. This has caused me to think I should be backing off even more even though I haven't given her much time to respond.

I sense so many mixed signals coming from you I have to say, a man who is unsure of himself cannot be reassuring to a wife who needs to KNOW he's there for her...

I hear you! I need to have confidence in what my DB coach is telling me and in my ability to effectively carry out his advice. Without wavering.

Don't try to reassure her for 2 weeks and then when you are "away" from home and COULD be with an OW or doing something sneaky or weird or that she does not trust

THEN stop contacting her...how odd.

I guess I really never thought of it that way. I know I'm not out catting around when I'm out of town, but that doesn't mean that she believes the same. The lack of comm while I'm gone COULD make it seem like I've got another secret life I am living. Good point. Hearing less from me while I'm gone would fuel her insecurities about me. Especially if I essentially disappear when out of town.

You're in the mode of "I must do...SOMETHING" and that's not a good place to be.

I have been that way because I have been seeking a response from her.

Trust your DB coach and do what they say until IF & when you know it's hurting things

and THEN you can make an adjustment.

This reminds me of school! We learned in navigation, the easiest way to get lost is to keep changing your course in an effort to find the destination. We were told to stick to our calculations and re-calculate if necessary, then make an informed adjustment. But never chase different headings. I've been going nowhere because of this. Thanks for pointing it out!

What traits are you most working on?

Also, instead of making your posts ALL about what she says, or does or your fears...

please tell us ONE GAL thing you do this month.

Join something, go somewhere new or sign up for a class and BE DIFFERENT and less predictable.

Not in a way that feels threatening to her, but in a way that interests YOU and thereby helps you know who you are.

One thing I am going to start working on immediately is proving to myself that I CAN enjoy life on my own.

Another thing I want to change in myself is my need to control. I know it is rooted in fear and this is something I want to get rid of.

I already have a date set for something new I want to try. I think it's gonna be very fun and I can enjoy it for the rest of my life, too. I'll use it as the basis of my new thread where I will concentrate on growth and change in myself instead of what my wife is or isn't doing. And if I fall back into that loop, please pull out the lumber!

25, I REALLY enjoy reading your posts. You are level headed, think logically and you seem to have a lot of street smarts. The knowledge you have gained thru your own life's challenges and the experience you have in your career field really help us all who are willing to listen. Thanks again for your advice!