Of course there is sadness--you've loved him for years. That doesn't end b/c the M is ending. You will carry a part of him and your happy times with him in your heart the rest of your life. The pain and sadness will subside (as everyone keeps telling me).
I'm glad the mediator sounds like a good option for you. I hope that works out well for many reasons, including going a more peaceful route (not to mention the time, energy and expense it will save you).
I'm thinking about you often and look forward to the day we meet in person! Thanks for finding my new thread!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks GTO! I'm looking forward to meeting you too. It would be nice to meet everyone who's helped me so much...
I spoke with the L today, who recommended special masters or 4 way meeting with my H's L. He said to not give in on any of the support clauses. I told him my H's concern about having to pay alimony for the full 6 yrs. L said, "Tough luck, buddy." It's funny. If I wanted to be adversarial, I know I could get a lot more financially. I asked about mediation. He said it'd be ok but knowing me, he should be there.
So I spoke with the mediator after. She was really nice and said she recommended no L's during the sessions bc they L's tend to take over and no one gets anywhere.
This is what I'm thinking: 1. Try the mediation. It's not that much $$, considering the options. 2. If H remains stubborn and does not want to compromise, I'll go straight to the Special Masters. He'll be worse off financially.
Something happened today: Somehow, my fear of the court is not there anymore. I feel it's okay to go do the Special Masters if needed.
I met with a counselor from my new church, who told me that being peaceful doesn't mean to appease people by agreeing to stuff that is not fair. She said that conflict can be managed in a peaceful way. Which makes sense. I am not going to be a doormat just because I want my H to be content.
Feel stronger. Of course this AM I was a mess, so that shows you how emotions can change :-)
Sounds like you are in a good place right now, Tori. So glad to hear you have a handle on the possibility of going to court.
Something you may or may not have considered:
You have to continue to be strong right now, not only for you, but for the readers of your book who will be looking to your story and words for strength and guidance. Having said that, it's ok, beneficial even, that they know how difficult this is for you. Many of them will be in the same tough place.
Your DB behavior to date has made us all proud of you, and I trust you will continue to make us proud.
And off the record, (mods don't ban me!) I wouldn't mind at all meeting up with both you and Turtle!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Your DB behavior to date has made us all proud of you, and I trust you will continue to make us proud.
I totally echo this!
How are you Tori. You are such a great person. Dont ever forget that.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
This really gave me something to think about. I hope it helps you through this next stage of the process.
It is hard (for me, at least) to find suggestions in DB about how to handle yourself during the adversarial phase of separation and property settlement. The "Tough luck, buddy" approach of L's sort of takes over the whole enterprise and paves the way for retaliation.
Do you think it's something that you can try? I'd love to hear more about what you think.
Also, H tried to use tactics that he knows used to work with you and guess what? He is the one who said " okay, I am willing to try this....." When you didn't capitulate and agree.
Good for you. You remained c,ear headed and looked at all the options, stood your ground without being demanding etc. you are who I want to be when I grow up
FY, you said, "You have to continue to be strong right now, not only for you, but for the readers of your book who will be looking to your story and words for strength and guidance. Having said that, it's ok, beneficial even, that they know how difficult this is for you. Many of them will be in the same tough place." That's exactly how I am staying strong. I immediately picture how this lesson could help my readers. The book is coming along really well...I've told my friends that I have already reserved a copy for you (per your request, signed with a lipstick kiss) :-) Are you also in CT? If you are, it'd be great for the three of us to get together at some point. I already am in touch w GTO, but don't know how to reach you. Maybe try sending a private message?
Busting, thank you for the support. I hope you realize what a difference it makes in my life.
NLW, I think if you approach conflict from a point of view aligned with your values, there will be no need to lose your peace. I'm talking to my H tomorrow AM, and will tell him about the mediation alternative. I'll go to mediation knowing my rights and what it's fair in my situation. I'm not going there driven by revenge or to take advantage of my H. Yes, my H might not be happy, but both he and I will have to deal with this. I know eliminating the need to please people is one of the areas in my life that I need to work on, so I will see my H as my "greatest teacher."
Ruby, your post is as uplifting as usual. I want to be more like you, too! You have a spunk that comes through your writing.
You make such a difference in my life too xxx I value your advice and appreciate the way you think.
And I am so jealous for you all being able to meet up! Anyone want to come out here?? lol Come on...dry heat, 40 C degrees plus, sandstorms...tempted???lol
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
FY, I found you but could not find the private message feature. Will try to register and see if I can send messages that way.
Busting, I'd love to see where you live. The dry heat sounds good compared to the freezing temps here!
Knowing that I am making a difference in your life, Busting, gives my life meaning. This is the main reason I'm writing my book.
So, anyway. My H needed some convincing bc he didn't want to pay the $360/hour for the mediator, but he finally agreed. So we have an appointment for Friday. The conversation was OK. I told him he probably assumed he was not going to go with me to the Pink concert on Wednesday. He said that of course he didn't expect me to want him to go with me. I said that a couple of months ago, that was the plan. He said he hoped I was going with someone fun, so I said, "Yeah, I'm going with a very fun guy." Which it's true. I sounded calm on the phone, but I was angry at that point. Maybe I didn't sound that calm. He was quiet. The concert is on the 15th anniversary of the day we met, so I guess the whole thing brings feelings of anger, esp bc I know about his new OW. Whatever.
Also, we accepted an offer on the house, so if the inspection goes well, it seems we'll be able to sell it. It's financial relief. At the same time, a hint of attachment to the house still remains. Didn't help the anger today. Must work on this too.
Overall, a productive day. Maybe we'll be able to come to an agreement on Friday and get through the D as peacefully as possible.
