Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Hi, all! turtlegirl / Little GTO (other turtle girl backwards) here!

I have lost track of what thread # this is for me now. I guess that means I've been here a while.

Here's the link to my last thread in case you want to catch up:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2323927&page=16

I'll give a quick redown of my sitch for anyone new or interested. I appreciate every bit of advice or perspective that anyone is willing to take the time to give!

BD #1-6/18/12 H "in love" w OW from work (didn't even suspect this could be possibly although in retrospect should have noticed all the signs)- EA even to this day no PA (yet)--pretty sure.

Went thru another summer w H contemplating moving out, but he didn't b/c his mother was very sick w cancer & ended up passing away 8/11/12.

B/C school was starting and our 3 boys & our entire family was newly grieving their g-ma's death we agreed it wouldn't be good timing (as if there is a good time) for H to move out.

H moved out beginning of November 2012. Has been 4 1/2 months. He recently announced he has "no intention of moving back in" & wants to divide our finances now.

H sees IC once a month; youngest 2 boys (S9 &S11) see C EOW; I see IC EOW.

H's only sister was recently diagnosed w breast cancer & is now receiving chemo. H's dad recently had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor. And, H's aunt (his M's sister) was diagnosed within days of his sister with lymphoma.

I have been DBing before H even told me about OW & H has taken notice. BUT, he has only taken steps away from me and our family. None toward. It appears as though he's just taking his own sweet time to make any decisions, although I really don't know why.

Letting go. The topic of my thread is NOT about giving up or dropping the rope (yet). Although I truly do not believe my situation seems to be very hopeful, I want to believe in miracles. It is, instead, about letting go of any misbelief of my control of anything except myself. And, moving forward with my life with or without H.

Because we share 3 children H will always be part of my life. It may be only as co-parents. That is not what I want. We've been married 17 1/2 yrs and together for almost 21 years, the better part of our adult lives. I love him. At this point I wish I didn't, b/c he's made it clear his feelings for me are not the same. He's "in love" w OW and he's "not willing to let his feelings change."

I have taken inventory of my H's complaints and done several positive 180s (some of which come naturally to me now). I am working on the GAL portion of DBing, as the boys live w me and I have them every night (by my choice--although H visits them every day after school & during the afternoons on the weekends AT OUR HOUSE). He has expressed interest in taking them to do something (not at the house) more during the weekends.

My trust in God in guiding me through this journey and I have been blessed with many good friends and supportive family members too.

This place is my refuge and has been for months. All of you here are my rocks & without this support system I am sure I wouldn't be moving forward yet. So, thank you!!!