Starting about almost a year ago, she started reading romance/erotic novels nonstop and spends every minute of her free time reading them. I have mentioned to her that she might be addicted, but she became very defensive and denied it. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel like when she reads those books, our relationship doesn't resemble the ones in the books (i dont think anyone in the real world does) and makes her resent me and our relationship.
Yes, I had this problem. Not many women will admit what I'm going to tell you, but I believe there are a lot who do the same thing. I grew up on fairy tale romances. I think most girls do. Then as I grew older, I watched the romantic movies and read the novels. The more unrealistic they were, the better I liked them. But here's the thing that wasn't discussed......I daydreamed and fantasized about me having a man like the hero in the book or movie. Some people may say it's harmless, but I disagree when it begins to affect your feelings toward your H.
You all may think I should be locked up and put away, but I believe a woman can unknowingly let her mind think about fictional characters until it can have much of the same affect as that of another man. She becomes dissatisfied with her H b/c he doesn't measure up to the character in the book. I said this can start unknowingly, b/c it can be so subtle that she doesn't really realize the emotional damage she's doing to the MR. Of course, she doesn't tell her H that she wishes he would be more like the men she reads about b/c she knows it would sound crazy, and she probably won’t admit it to herself.
Whether it is a real man she knows or a fictional man, she’s still comparing her H to another man. In her mind, the H doesn’t measure up. That can plant a seed that will grow into a bad MR b/c she is not contented and it affects her happiness. As bizarre as it may sound, I really believe that it can lead to the W believing she is no longer in love with the M she married! Why? B/c she longs for the romance she reads about or watches in movies. If the H isn’t anything like the romantic hero, then over time she will began to feel lonely and want to have a man that will give her those feelings.
Now I know everyone fantasizes sometimes, but I’m not talking about a few harmless fantasies. The degree to which I’m referring to may take many years before it begins to take shape. And, I believe she loses herself in these novels b/c she feels something lacking in her R with her H.
So yes, I’ve been there. Funny, b/c I wasn’t reading that much or even interested in romantic movies when I met OM and began an EA. But the seed had grown and I was extremely dissatisfied in my M. I was turned off toward my H and resented him terribly. This certainly was not all our problems, and I don’t believe it was the foundation of our problems, but I certainly believe it influenced my perception of a relationship between a H & W a great deal.
Call it immaturity or insane……it happens.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
