I have been thinking the same..I will play it cool. It's his deceit not mine, I have to remember that. I've stated my case in my txt and will keep calm if he raises it tonight. Tks TVS I needed your wisdom.
Thanks TVS the finger will do nicely, actually, all ten at once.
Updating...by the time H came home I was already a lot calmer and had made a decision only to bring up the issue if I felt the time and mood was right to do so. H arrived home from work late. I was heading out the door to GAL at the time. I asked him how his day was and noted he was late. I tried to be normal. He senses immediately when my mood is different. He asked me what was wrong. I said..did you get my txt? No he didn't have a chance to look at his phone all day. I told him what I had sent and why. Again the dropped shoulders indicating his shame..I said why did you do that when you told me you wouldn't? Oh OK I will stop. No apology, no explanation. I have learned it works best if I don't continue to hammer him or deepen the shame he already feels and push how I was right again(old me). Maybe his regret is only that he was caught and not smart enough to stay a step ahead, but I give him the benefit of the doubt and try to concentrate on the positives.
So moving ahead again on this roller coaster ride. Doing my best and realising that the mothership continues to drop around and he is not over this yet. Making progress but still not at the end.
Some days my biggest challenge is me. Have I had enough? What am I doing here? Is this what I want? I love this man there is no doubt..there is so much wrong here but also so much that is right.
Believe me Gal, my fingers are so limbered up after all H has done, they are always ready to spring into action!
All this worrying you did over the text, and he hadn't even read it! I'm glad you spoke up for yourself, but didn't pursue the need to shame or punish him. I hope that he will work to win back your trust. Do they even realize they need to earn it back?
Your last paragraph really touched me - I feel exactly the same way. Am I done? Is any chance for a R done? Just what the hell am I doing anyway????
But then I remember too... I do love this man. This broken, sad, shell of a person imposter may not be the man I married, but I like to believe the real deal is in there somewhere.
I really hate that damn Mothership
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I know your fingers have done some serious work. That Mothership can go to h#ll. Useless piece of alien cr@p!. Ha that feels better! Good to vent here. I think the craziness may be rubbing off on me.
You know, H's reaction doesn't surprise me...I know I have had a similar reaction to things I've done wrong in the past when W confronted me...minimizing? check. Apology? Explanation? Heck no! (This is the old T^2 M.O., not the new) Idk, maybe this is standard issue guy reaction when busted, don't want to admit wrong to Mom...again, idk. Reminds me though of W complaining after the PA had to be disclosed that she "can never get away with anything....", maybe same teenager thinking here??? All I said to her was that maybe we are supposed to get away with anything, we couldn't grow if we did.
You did well to not deepen the shame, to not push how you were right...guys hate that usually, maybe everyone does.
We LBS have to give a lot of benefit of the doubt, to be sure. But we have to give them that faith so they can learn to chose properly, if we don't, they can't.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am working through a book recommended on this forum called: "getting back together: how to reconcile with your partner and make it last".
It seems mostly a book to work on yourself during physical separation but has a lot of good stuff in it.
I came to a chapter and thought of you. It's called "now that you're back together: how to avoid the pitfalls of reconciliation"
It has subtitles like:
Common Stumbling Blocks in Reconciliation: ....You feel there are still unanswered questions. ....you're afraid of causing arguments .....you're not ready to fully trust the new R .....you're not yet able to trust again .....you harbor lingering rage and resentment .....you fear the end of the "honeymoon" phase
Making it Better this Time: .....keep the channels of communication open .....focus on the present .....continue to take care of yourself .....maintain your outside interests .....consider counseling, individually and as a couple
There are discussions under each of these points but I thought maybe I'd list the points as I think you and I have definitely run into some of these stumbling blocks.
I hope this is of some help. Are you journaling?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hey RH..that list reminds me of me. I guess that was your intention. I could add another one to the list.. I am afraid of asking for what I want out of the relationship... more affection, a compliment every now and then.
I know H's LL is "acts of service" and so that is what he provides to me in our R, its nice that he does things for me but I need to let him in on what's really important for me. I have needs too but the focus is still on his needs and I fear that it may always be that way if I don't speak up. This can certainly be a lonely journey.
The second list I'm doing OK with. The counseling is not happening and I won't push it at this point. I have had individual counseling and it was kind of helpful. I find reading and spending time with my wonderful insightful friends is the best therapy for me. I have a couple of friends who have a beautiful way of looking at the world and I draw much from them.
Not Journaling, never been the type. I guess it is healing so i'll think about it.
Hope you're doing OK RH. Read you were having a down week. The DB journey continues. Don't forget you are the prize.
