My wife is having affair with a mutual friend

[tryingtilDorR]

One of the big issues that I see with WAW's (or WAH's) is cake-eating. They are off having their affair, and as long as nothing disrupts that they will continue because it is the path of least resistance. In addition, they will typically lie in ways the left-behind spouse can't imagine to protect the affair. This will continue unless something happens to change the course.

All that said, contacting the OM's spouse is an ultimate last resort if you want to affect change in the event that the WAW does not want to end the A (or admit to it, or whatever).

I agree that DB is all about focusing on YOU and the changes YOU can make to affect the situation and come out OK either way, which means meddling with the A by contacting the OM or his spouse is out of scope. We have no control over our WAW really - they have to make their own decisions.

Ultimately, the underlying driver here is what you are willing to put up with. I was willing to put up with my wife living in our house while having an A to a point before resorting to option (b) given that D is a long and painful process for everyone involved. My 2 older kids still have not really adjusted to it (they were in HS when it was happening).

You have to decide what your goals are, and create a plan of action to give you the best chance of achieving your goal, which ultimately should be that you want to do the best you can to make yourself OK and ready for whatever lies ahead - WAW or no WAW.

Adinva's advice is spot on - confront her in the right way and convey that you want to save your M, but set a boundary of some sort of separation until she ends her A. Otherwise, waiting around in the state you are in now means you will be in limbo, and that can go on a loooong time. I did it for 18 months.