I came here almost two years ago in a desperate attempt to save my marriage. It did not work. I watched my xw go from being my wife to a loved one to a friend and acquaintance to telling me she didn't want me in her life anymore.
Many conversations were confusing. She would open up and then retreat in the very next sentence. What seemed like instances of reaching out were followed with a cold shoulder and an act in the D that left me feeling like I got hit with a truck.
I took steps to protect myself. I went NC in January of last year. When she texted, I ignored. I deleted her from my phone, my facebook, and even asked my friends to block her so I didn't have to see her face.
I believe the NC started the healing process. My last tears shed in regards to the sitch (up until today) were in December. I've been more focused on me. My goals, my wants, and the life I want to live for as long as God gives me the grace to do so.
... in some ways I finally feel free. I learned to become the person I wanted to be. I went from being the victim to being responsible for my own actions regardless of the other person. I broke my co-dependence and learned when to encourage others to change vs. giving them breathing space to let God work on them w/o me.
There is no doubt that the last two years have been the hardest yet most rewarding time in my life....
I know my journey is not over. I know the work is not done.
For it is impossible to achieve 100% of who I want to be. That would make me God and I can never compare...
... but I will spend the rest of my life trying. I will spend the rest of it remembering what was given to me. I am extremely loved.
I said ^^^ as I am now in a situation that I did not expect. If you want to read the 10 threads to get the best picture - go ahead- but you now have good cliffnotes.
In an attempt to move forward in faith, I have opened a door for my xw to want to talk to me. She wants to have tea in the next coming weeks. I do not know what for. She didn't say.
How this happened: FB. A mutual friend posted a picture of her 10 month old daughter. My x and I made similar comments about losing track of time and our friend commented to both of us in the same post.
I found it weird that she would do that seeing she knows about the D and that we don't talk.
At first I did nothing. Thinking it was inappropriate or asking myself if there was expectations I spent 4 miles running and talking to God.
I told him that I was tired of thinking about how I should treat my x and I was tired of expectations. I had a funny joke because it's actually our friend who loses track of time and it shouldn't be a big deal to say it to x. If she said something fine, if not - fine too. No more wondering if she thought it was pursuit or reaching out or whatever. It's my life, my actions, and I was ok with the consequences.
So I prayed - If this is some sign.. I will be me - but you gotta be you. I always believed in leaving the results up to God, but that in order for results to happen.. an action needed to take place.
and I sent it.
X responded and started conversation. Again I kept the conversations light and short - I did DB after all - listened and validated. And turned it back over to God. I even made sure I wasn't leading the conversation on as a way to manipulate the conversation to go longer.. I did that in the past and now if people want to talk to me, they will.
Well this time around she opened up some more and then said how funny it was that I messaged her. She was planning to call me and ask if I wanted to go for tea in the next few weeks....
... and here we are.
I haven't responded. I do NOT believe my xw is trying to get back with me in any way.
There are many emotions that I am feeling and this thread is for me explore them all. Journaling here keeps me accountable.
Grace, Love, Compassion and Faith - Who would have thought 4 little words would have such a profound impact.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
