I did just that labug. Easy peasy. Thank you. Intact, you're right, I'm still so insecure about communicating I question every sentence.
Journal:
More communication with H this week than since last summer! He's texted or emailed me every morning this week. Always about benign subjects or kids, doesn't ask any personal questions of me. I'm upbeat in my replies and even asked him his opinion about D17 issue. Sounds like nothing but it's a huge olive branch for me to give him parenting credit. I'm trying to thaw the huge ice chip on my shoulders about being a single mom. And I made an appointment with a new counselor middle of next month & H agreed. We have plans for H to meet us for day trip for d17s birthday next month too. And he's agreed to help with birthday party plans, will take D15 to order a cake this Sunday.
So why doesn't any of this make me feel good? I was excited at first but quickly realized I had to get my expectations in check. And as the communication continues, I'm feeling more and more like "option B". I don't know if his R continues with OW and I don't feel I can ask. Nothing personal is discussed. I feel like the concessions I have to make for a future R or friendly co-parenting are taken in his stride without any appreciation. It's really hard to keep the goal in site at all times. Was much easier when he ignored me. I don't know how people do it living with their WAS!
H texted me he was going on trip with his mother in May and that's a miracle. He has hardly tolerated her for years! I hope it's a huge step in his personal growth. And I worry about and feel really bad about the things I've told her. I was so crazy panicked with grief and she was a sympathetic ear. MIL invited girls and I to Easter and I wonder if she invited him too, I really don't think so. She would've mentioned it & we've never seen her on Easter so it's not like a tradition or anything.
Bad stuff: I continue to monitor H's posts on a forum site he goes to, but he's nearly stopped! Over the past 3 weeks he's only had a few posts about nothing and it's really driving me crazy trying to figure out why. He's been basically addicted to this sight since 2010 and spent all his time online with his 'friends'. Used to be 30+ per day. The funny thing is that I was really trying to cut back on looking & would only peak every few days because nothing had changed with his pattern, his posts were still stupid and offensive and it felt like it was time to close that door. But then I kept checking and now that his posts are drying up I'm obsessed in a different way, why the change? I'd like to think that he finally realizes how he's been taking time away from his family, but he's not really using his time to see kids every day. Saw them a couple times within the last week & that's a plus. Or he's reading and working on himself - unlikely according to his own admission in his email to me. Or he's spending his time with HER instead of posting online. But he's never once mentioned OW on his site at all. Or he's posting someplace new... the fact that there's no "so what have been up to?" kind of conversations between us makes me feel like there are huge secrets I still don't know about.
Good stuff: I'm doing my first mud run this Sunday. Really looking forward to it even though I haven't trained for the event. I registered for a 5k in May so this Sunday will be my springboard and I'll start a training program next week. DDs and I went to concert last weekend and really had a good time, loved the performance. We all had a little bit of negative energy to start the day off, but I talked to girls about being in control of ourselves & the energy we're putting out & day turned around well. My divorce group ends tonight with a pot luck and I signed up for volunteering meal service at the shelter on Thursday nights to replace this group. And I'm going to really look into al anon. I think that's one of my biggest concerns in thinking of future R with H, is that I really don't want to get into the same patterns of behavior. I don't want to tolerate him escaping with drinking. And I wonder if he still is and again I feel I can't ask.
I've thought a lot about the "I know more than you think I know" conversation I have to have with H, think it may be best to wait until after we start counseling.
I think I'm in a big 'be careful what you wish for' scenario because now that I have H communicating again (for now) it brings up a lot of my own insecurities about how I'll handle or what kind of R will develop in the future.
