I have a question about cake eating and cheeseless tunnels..
Even with all my positive changes I don’t think she is responding to them positively. Is this a cheeseless tunnel or is it that it will take more time before she believes it is a permanent change.
Could very well be there have been very minor changes you just may not have noticed. Remember, DR states that if the changes appear to not be working, don't be afraid to go back and tweak them a bit. But even slow progress is still pogress.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
I really don’t know what else that I can do differently except to inquire why I feel she is still angry with me. I think that might come off as perusing which is a DB no no.
Yeah, it's a no-no...
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
When I say goodbye she just hangs up with no ending words. Same behavior when she leaves or when she goes to bed. It feels rude and even though I don’t show it , it hurts. I understand her right to be angry but to be mean is just not fair.
^^^Agreed. Been there, done that. But really, there's not much you can do except put up with it for now. My W said some very hate filled things to me and the D's. Things have gotten better, but, still nowhere near where I would prefer. And in my sitch, it's probably too little, too late for me.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
We will have a lifelong connection because of the kids, I want it to be as civil as possible.
That is completely in your power. At some point she WILL realize it's in the best interest of the kids for you two to get along. This will take some time...
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
I done a complete 180 on all the negative aspects of my life and marriage.
Are you sure? Did you address all of her concerns? Did you identify others that YOU didn't like, or maybe some that other may have pointed out?
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
Could it be that she is angry that I have made positive changes? Do she want to be perused? Is she confused with what she want to do?
You can ponder these questions all you want. The end affect will be that you have driven yourself crazy, and for no good reason. It's really not worth it. I spent months trying to figure these very questions out, and when I finally stopped is when I found some peace of mind...
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
My therapist suggest because I stepped up so much she hasn’t thought about how much different it would be with me out of the picture. He feels she is taking advantage of the situation (cake eating). I do most of the cleaning, cooking, pay the bills, and take care of the kids while she goes out. I enjoy doing these things.
Same here and I continue to do so. For no other reason than to prove to myself daily, that I can get along without her. It's helped me become FAR more independent than I was before. And she may be taking advantage of it. Or she may think by not doing anything you're making up for the time when you didn't help around the house - sort of a punishment. Or she may think you're just trying to overcompensate for not having help as much before BD and is trying to make a point.
But, in the end, you'll never really know, so does it really matter? The work still has to get done.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
He thinks I should talk with her about how the future would look without me in the picture but I am not comfortable doing that.
I think I need a DB reality check!
You could try - but I wouldn't. She might look at it as if you're trying to convince her how great you are and that she can't get along without you. Would you be willing to risk the inevitable backlash from that?